Riku and Sora Make a Porno
by Light Within Darkness
Summary: When Sora and Riku both get fired from their jobs due to an economic recession, they decide to pay their rent by...making a porno. When Axel and Roxas join in, hilarity ensues! AU, Akuroku, eventual Soriku.
1. Chapter 1: The Idea

**Author's Note: Hello, and welcome to one of the very first stories I ever finished! I wrote this waaaaayyy back when I was still in high school, under a different username to boot, and I still had quite a bit of developing to do as a writer back then. Lately, I've been itching to make some small, not plot-related changes to this story, as I'm still quite fond of it. This story will always be near and dear to me, and I think it can be even better with a bit of sprucing up.**

**KEY****: Anything in **_italics_** are Riku's thoughts. Anything in **_**bold italics**_** are Sora's thoughts. Anything in bold is something Riku and Sora are thinking simultaneously.**

**So without further ado, welcome to the new-and-improved version of "Riku and Sora Make a Porno!" Enjoy!**

**Also, please make note that this is the _censored_ version of the story. The uncensored version can be found on , at http:/ games. adultfanfiction. net/ story. php? No = 600084048 (just take the spaces out when you type in the link.)**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own "Kingdom Hearts" or any related games or property. This is a work of fanfiction, and I make no money off of it.**

**Chapter 1: The Idea**

Riku came home to his apartment, which he shared with his best friend Sora in sleepy, quiet little Twilight Town, from the absolute worst day he'd had in a long time. He just wanted to collapse onto the bed and forget that going to work today had ever even happened. However, all thoughts of relaxation quickly faded when Riku opened the front door to find a security guard sitting on the couch inside.

_Oh, God_… Riku panicked, mind racing frantically. _This…this can't be someone from work, can it? Not yet, anyway! Who called the cops on me? I bet it was that crazy old lady Touru downstairs…Her and her damn 27 cats…_

"Uh…um…" Riku brushed a few locks of his long silver hair out of his pale eyes as he frantically thought of something, anything, to save him from a night in the slammer as some coke addict's new boy toy. "_Bonjour, monsieur! Je ne parle pas anglais_…uh…"

"Riiikuuu!" The security guard wailed. In a move Riku privately felt was very out-of-character for a security guard, the man flopped over onto his stomach and cried, 'I got fired today!"

"Oh…" Riku wondered briefly if he was being visited by a man who could possibly be more disturbed than the celebrities he saw on the news every night. "I'm…errr…sorry about that…" Privately, Riku hoped this man would get out of the apartment before Sora got home from his job as…

As…

…_What's Sora's job again?_

Just then, the security guard tossed off his black baseball cap, emblazoned with the logo "Twilight Town High School," revealing a mess of spiky brown hair that couldn't be tamed by the world's best brush, and a pair of very sad blue eyes.

Riku dropped the umbrella with a loud clunk.

"Sora!" He cried, relieved that the apartment hadn't been invaded by a deranged security guard.

Unfortunately, that relief was short-lived. The shock and sick dread that set in after processing that Sora had _just lost his job_ felt as if the bottom of Riku's stomach had just dropped out from underneath him.

"Yes!" Sora wailed again. "The principal fired me today, Riku! He said that the school was undergoing huge budget cuts, and they can only afford one security guard at night now, instead of one at night and one during the day."

"Hey," Sora was suddenly suspicious, those vivid blue eyes of his narrowing in Riku's direction. "You didn't forget who I was again, did you? Were you out drinking again last night?" Sora took in the mussed state of Riku's work uniform: his wrinkled blue sweatpants, dirty sneakers, and the suspicious stains on his Twilight town gym T-shirt, which smelled rather like vomit up close. All in all, it didn't make for a good impression on either Riku's boss or the teenage girls he taught basketball to at the local gym.

"Uh…" Riku seemed to be saying words like that a lot today. "I only had a few beers last night! I swear!"

"Riku!"

"OK, you caught me." Riku sank into the ratty blue armchair next to the couch. "A few of the guys took me out drinking last night to help me get over Olette, and well…one thing led to another…and I came into work hungover today…and…" Riku's voice trailed off at seeing his own emotions, the shock and the worry at the realization that neither of them had jobs now, mirrored in Sora's own face.

"Do you mean to tell me that you were fired today as well?" Sora said, in the quiet voice he only used when a situation was very, very bad. Riku had only heard him use it once before, when his childhood dog Pluto had died.

"Look, I know it sounds bad, but I'll find something else soon, I promise! There are plenty of other jobs out there, I'm sure of it!"

"Riku, how are we going to pay the rent?" Sora really needed to stop using that quiet voice, it was making Riku's voice tangle up in knots.

"Oh, shit." As if things weren't already bad enough. Riku grimaced as he thought of his and Sora's landlord. That man was an incarnate of Satan, and would definitely not cut them any slack with rent money.

"Um…OK…uh…We can find a cheaper apartment! I mean, we do have savings…" Riku grinned at Sora with an enthusiasm he didn't really feel.

"We already live in a dump." Sora looked to be on the verge of tears.

It was true. Sora and Riku lived in a dingy, one-bedroom apartment down Twilight Town's seedy Back Alley, where all the local gangs, criminals, thugs, and general ne'er-do-wells hung out. They had to take turns sleeping on the couch at night as it was. Or Sora would just dump Riku on the couch if he was drunk.

"Hey, Sora." Riku sighed, now completely, totally, and utterly Out Of Ideas for the day.

"Yeah?"

"You wanna go to the bar?"

"I can't believe you dragged me down here," Sora grumped as he and Riku entered their (Riku's) favorite drinking spot, Seventh Heaven, later that night. "I'm not big on drinking, you know that. Not to mention, you just went out drinking last night! What kind of trouble did that cause, huh?"

"Come on, Sora," Riku rolled his eyes and dragged his best friend through the door and over to the bar. "Saying you're not big on drinking is like saying you're not big on life. Besides, it's not like either of us has to get up for work tomorrow or anything. And I'm just going to have two beers, I promise. Then we'll go back home. Alcohol always helps in tough situations like this. "

"Yeah…" Sora muttered in disbelief, and sat down heavily at the bar next to Riku. "Not like a little thing like work's ever stopped you from going out drinking anyway."

"Hey Riku, Sora." The bar's owner Tifa Lockheart, sauntered over, a sparkle in her dark brown eyes and a cheerful smile on her face. She cut a dramatic figure at the center of Seventh Heaven's bar, with her long, dark hair and all-black clothes. "What are we having tonight?"

"Two beers, Tifa," said Riku with a grin. "And…" He stopped and turned to Sora. "Oh, sorry, man. Did you want something to drink?"

"I might as well, since I'm here." Sora's chin rested on the polished wooden counter, and he still looked miserable.

"Then it'll be three beers."

Tifa sighed. "You drink too much, Riku."

"So I've been told by…oh, everyone." Said the silver-haired boy with a smirk.

"But what's up with you, cutie?" Tifa turned to Sora with a worried look. "It's not like you to be so down. Or, uh…drink. Plus, I usually only see him in here on weekdays." She jerked a thumb at Riku.

"We both got fired today." Riku explained.

"Fired!" Tifa cried. At a nod from Sora, she sighed again. "Seems like it's happening to everyone nowadays…but both of you out of work just makes things that much harder."

Sora nodded again, his chin banging against the wooden bar.

"Well. At this rate, you won't have any money to spend in here, and I won't be kicking Riku out of my bar for drunk and disorderly conduct anymore." Tifa grabbed three mugs from under the shelf and started pouring beer. "I'm gonna miss you guys…"

"Hey! I'm not that bad!" Riku exclaimed.

Tifa snorted.

Riku looked like he was going to argue some more, but stopped at a cry from Sora. "Hey! Axel, Roxas!" Sora spun around in his seat and waved at the entrance.

"Oh, no…" Riku dropped his head down to the bar.

"You're in for it now," Tifa laughed.

Axel Pyru and Roxas Nomura were Sora's other best friends. Sora and Roxas had known each other since college, and Sora had been one of the few people who hadn't made fun of him for being gay. Roxas's boyfriend, Axel, whom he'd been seeing for two years now, had hit it off with Sora immediately upon their being introduced.

It wasn't that Riku didn't like them. He liked Roxas just fine. Roxas was a quiet kind of guy, albeit fiercely protective of the people he cared about, and Riku respected that. Axel, however, was a completely different story. Axel's sense of humor included lighting matches near flammable objects in his and Sora's apartment and teasing Riku about drinking, Olette, his hair, his job, his taste in clothing, and even his laptop. (Apparently, Axel didn't think too highly of people who owned Macs.)

Axel and Roxas were as alike as night and day. They were so different that Riku privately thought Fate must've been out taking a crap when those two had hooked up, and just hadn't bothered to correct the mistake. Axel was tall and skeletally thin, not to mention loud-mouthed and rude, and enjoyed burning things down when he could get away with it. His hair was an affront to nature-it was the brightest, most vivid red Riku had ever seen on a person, and it stuck up in long spikes behind his head to boot. Axel's eyes were the kind of green that reminded Riku of acid, emeralds, and the scales on a snake all at the same time, and tattooed underneath them in black ink were two small teardrops. The man seemed to have a permanent smirk, and lately he'd taken to wearing a long black coat he'd bought on sale everywhere he went. Along with the tattoos, this outfit automatically made the police give Axel shifty looks everywhere he went. Axel was also always the first person to be pulled aside for extra checks at airports as well. Both Axel and Roxas seemed to find this funny. Riku did not.

If Axel was like a fire, larger than life and blazing up into the sky, then Roxas was like a shadow, usually quiet and unobtrusive. Only the people who were close to Roxas understood that he was as clever and mischievous as anyone else, and probably even more so than most people. Roxas was a head shorter and a year younger than Axel, and his hair was a golden blonde, slightly spiky and swept up on one side like the wind had permanently decided to muss it. Roxas' eyes were a clear, cool blue, the color of the sky at twilight. He wore pretty normal clothing as well, sneakers and khakis and short-sleeved jackets and the like. Riku preferred him over Axel any day.

"Heeeeeey, Rikee!" Axel plopped himself down in between Riku and Roxas at the bar. "Fancy running into you here…" He snickered audibly. "How's the job going? Those twelve year-olds giving you a hard time?"

"Shut it, Axel, you fucking well know they're fifteen," Riku aimed a kick at Axel's knee, but Axel dodged, smiled widely, and slung an arm around Roxas's shoulders.

"So what's new?" Roxas smiled slightly in greeting. "We've been looking for places to open a gay bar at all day today. I'm beat."

"Yeah, but no luck," Axel drawled lazily, answering Sora's unspoken question. "All of 'em have rents higher than the number of times Riku's been kicked out of bars, so I guess we're screwed pretty good for now." Sighing dramatically, he pulled a cigarette lighter from his pocket and began flicking it and off.

"Axel, either the lighter goes or you go." Tifa had returned to their area of the bar after serving old Cid Highwind his usual grog, and was looking slightly peeved.

"Hey to you too, Teef. Martini, please and thanks." Axel spun the lighter around, still alight, creating a brief wheel of flames before pocketing it. Sora smiled widely and applauded, and Roxas again gave a brief grin.

Tifa rolled her eyes, but started mixing the drinks when Roxas slipped some money onto the counter and said, "I want a strawberry daiquiri, OK?"

"Just…be nice, OK?" Tifa said as she served up the drinks. "Sora and Riku both got fired today."

"WHAT!" Roxas turned to Sora in shock, eyes wide, pulling away from Axel. Axel, momentarily unbalanced by the loss of his boyfriend, fell off his barstool, which caused Riku to laugh and spit beer across the length of the bar.

"Niiice, Axel! You'll be signing up for the Olympics soon, I see. With that coordination, you can work yourself all the way up to Towel Boy!" Riku doubled over in laughter.

"Well Riku I can see. Who wouldn't want to be rid of him?" Axel picked himself up and grumpily settled back down. "But Sora here's a model employee! Who'd wanna fire him?"

"It's been hard for us too, Sora," Roxas patted his brunet friend comfortingly on the back. "I mean, we don't have enough cash to rent a place for a gay bar, and if it weren't for my mom sending us checks every month, we'd lose the apartment."

"God bless Roxy's mommy," Axel tipped back in his stool, sighing deeply.

"Sorry, about that, Roxas," said Sora, taking his second sip of beer. "I'm sure something will pop up soon."

"With my mad skills, it's bound to!" Axel gave a lazy, cat-like grin.

"Put the lighter away, Axel Pyru!"

"How she even knows I have it out when she's on the other side of the bar…" Axel muttered, as Riku laughed again.

"Thanks for your support, guys," Sora seemed to be in a characteristic mood swing, and was slumped on the bar again. "I'm just worried about paying the rent, though. I mean, we're nearly out of savings, we live in a dump, and we've got no job prospects."

"Well, duh. You have Riku. He's a jinx."

Riku glared daggers at Axel. "I'm going to kill you in your sleep."

Then Roxas said something that turned Riku's life into a living hell for the next week.

"Well, you could make a porno. I saw a sign in that Adult Video store off of Station Heights-they're buying homemade movies for some kind of contest. Pornos are easy to make, and if it sells well, then you have rent money until one of you gets a job."

Riku nearly spit more beer out in shock.

"HAHAHAAAHAHA! Are you crazy, Roxas! That's the dumbest idea EVER! That could never, ever work, right, Sora?"

Riku turned to Sora, expecting his friend to laugh and dismiss Roxas's idea as well-and all the mirth quickly slid from his face. Sora had on his thoughtful-eager look, which meant he was either seriously considering an idea or he was constipated. Riku was fervently praying it was the latter.

"I think that could work, Roxas! You're a genius! Would you tape it for us? I mean, you still have that video camera your mom gave you last Christmas, right?"

"Sora!" Riku couldn't believe that had come out of his best friend's mouth. "No way! I'm NOT making a porno in our apartment! I mean-we don't even have a girl to act in it, for one thing."

"Um…Tifa?" Sora looked over at the barkeeper, who was greeting the latest wave of customers at the other end of the bar.

Everyone gave Sora a Look.

"Sora…dude," Axel seemed serious for once. "Have you no sense of self-preservation? She's a martial arts master! How do you think she single-handedly runs this place without a problem? She will KILL you if you ask her to be in a porno. KILL YOU."

"Hey," Now Roxas had spoken up. "How about that lady who runs the flower shop near the old manor? She's nice, and attractive too, I guess, if you're into girls."

"Do you mean Aerith Gainsborough?" Riku snorted. "Have you seen her boyfriend? The guy's fucking _built_. He will kick all of our asses if we ask her to star in a porno." _I can't believe I'm even having a serious conversation about this…_

"Well, I haven't heard any suggestions from you," Axel gave Riku another annoying grin as he took a sip of his martini. "Didn't you and Sora know some girl back in high school?"

"You mean Kairi?" Now Sora spoke up. "She moved to Destiny Islands after we graduated. She wanted to break into show business, and all the big stars are on Destiny Islands. But Riku and me still get regular postcards from her. She's living with some waitress named Namine down there, and another girl called Yuffie who works as a stunt double in movies and has 'connections'…"

"OK, OK, we don't need to hear her life's story," Axel put up his hand for Sora to stop.

"What about that girl who lives in your apartment? What'shername…Larxene?" Riku asked.

"Larxene?" Axel shuddered. "She's a freakin' SADIST, man. I lock my door at night because I'm scared she's going to kill us in our sleep."

Roxas nodded fervently. "She'd want money, too, if we ask her. Which is something we all don't have a lot of right now."

"Well, I guess that rules out the whole porno idea." Riku couldn't suppress a small sigh of relief.

Roxas smirked. "Not quite, Rikee."

"What are you talking about? None of us know any girls who are willing to be in a porno, so…" Riku gulped down more beer, not liking Roxas's smile at all.

"Well…I don't know if you guys'll be into this, but…" Roxas's eyes shifted to the side.

"We're desperate! Just spit it out already!" Sora cried.

"We could make a gay porno."

Axel turned to Roxas, shocked. "I didn't know you were that perverted. I like it." He smirked.

"NO! OH HELL NO!" Riku yelled. "I'M NOT DOING GAY PORN!"

"Axel and me could film all the explicit scenes and Photoshop it so it looks like it's you two later," Roxas explained.

"C'mon, Riku. We really need the rent," Sora was doing his patented "puppy-dog eyes" now. "Plus it sounds like fun!"

"Only you would think doing gay porn is fun, Sora," Riku muttered darkly.

"Well, if you don't do this, you'll be moving back in with Mommy and Daddy after losing the apartment, Riku," Axel smirked and flipped his cell phone open. "Should I call Olette now and tell her you're a chicken? I do have a virtual phone book in here, you know…"

"NO!" Riku realized he was between a rock and a VERY hard place, and had no choice but to give in. "Alright, fine! But I'm not doing anything explicit!"

"That's a good boy, Riku," Axel smirked and pocketed the phone.

"Let's toast on it! To porn!" Sora cried, holding his beer mug (still mostly full) up high.

"To porn!" Axel and Roxas cried happily, clinking their glasses against Sora's and drinking deeply.

Riku sat back and crossed his arms. "I hate all of you…" he muttered.

**Reviews are always welcome. :)**


	2. Chapter 2: Pants Jewelry and Boxers

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own "Kingdom Hearts" or any related games or properties. This is a work of fanfiction, and I am making no money off of writing it.**

**KEY****: Anything in **_italics_** are Riku's thoughts. Anything in **_**bold italics**_** are Sora's thoughts. Anything in bold is something Sora and Riku are thinking together.**

**Remember, you can find the uncensored version of this story at: http: / games .adultfanfiction .net/ story. php? no= 600084048 (just take the spaces out before typing in the link.)**

**And now, without any further ado, let's continue!**

**Chapter Two: Pants Jewelry and Boxer Shorts**

"Where the hell is Roxas?" Sora moaned, stretched out on the beer-stained, smelly, torn old couch in the living room of the apartment. He fiddled with one of the two slim yellow belts wrapped around his baggy black pants and sighed in annoyance. "He was supposed to be here with Axel ten minutes ago!"

"Who cares?" Riku was on his third beer.

"Riku!" Sora glared at his friend from under his spiky brown bangs. "Why are you drinking so much? You're going to destroy your liver!"

"Look." Riku gulped down the rest of the beer and crunched the can up in his hand. "If I'm doing this movie, then I want to be completely, utterly drunk before I start it. Absolutely shithoused. I don't want to remember anything that psychotic, spiky-headed pyro makes me do. He'll probably have me dress up as a girl, or…"

"AGGGH!" Sora yelled in annoyance, kicking out his foot and knocking something off the wobbly, scuffed-up old coffee table. "I can't BELIEVE you! Axel wouldn't…You just wanna get drunk again!"

"Yes, I do want to get drunk." Riku nodded seriously. "I just explained that to you. And you knocked the remote under the armchair again."

"DAMMIT!" Sora launched himself off the couch and crammed the entire upper half of his slim body under the armchair, wriggling his hips and rear end around right in front of Riku as he searched for the remote control.

Ohh, man. Riku could feel a certain…uncomfortable tightening in his lower anatomy as he stared at Sora's tiny ass wiggling like a puppy's under the chair. _Why does he have to wear all those belts!_

_And why the fuck have I been feeling attracted to my best friend! How come I get excited every time he so much as shifts his hips in front of me! Damn, those hips…_ Riku had been feeling attracted to Sora ever since Olette had broken up with him, actually, and maybe even a little before that, if he was being completely honest with himself. However, he'd only admitted having a crush on his best friend since the two had been in diapers after being fired. Riku had always liked both men and women, but he'd only ever gone out with women before. He was pretty sure Sora thought that he preferred women to men. And Riku was definitely sure that Sora didn't like him back in "that" particular way.

Riku shifted a bit to hide his growing arousal. _I don't know how much longer I can keep him from noticing this…_ Riku looked up at the ceiling, trying to think of something, ANYTHING, that would get his mind off of Sora's cute little rump, but it was no good. The sight was burned into his retinas.

"I can't find the remote, Riku!" Sora cried, wriggling around under the armchair with renewed effort and emitting little grunts that had no right being that arousing.

Riku really needed to go to the bedroom and…relieve himself. _OK, Riku, you can do this. Focus. Control. Just think: I like girls. I like girls. I like girls._

"Ow! I hit my hand on the radiator!" Sora wriggled his butt high up in the air, so it was practically in Riku's face.

…

"FOUND IT!" With one last great wriggle, Sora pulled himself out from under the armchair, the short-sleeved blue hoodie he wore slightly wrinkled, his spiky brown hair a bit tangled, and his bright eyes shining in triumph.

"I LIKE GIRLS!" _Oops…Was that out loud?_

"Um…I know you do, Riku," Sora stood up slowly, looking at Riku with confusion evident on his face. "You made that really clear when you got fired." _**He can't be drunk already, can he?**_

"Shut up." Riku muttered, practically running into the kitchen and praying to every deity he'd ever heard of that Sora hadn't seen anything. "I'm gonna…go get more beer."

BANG.

Sora's head whirled around to face the front door. "Huh? …Roxas!" He cried.

Sure enough, the blond was plastered flat against the door, arms splayed out on either side, a look of utmost terror on his face and breathing hard.

"You didn't tell me…you had a crazy neighbor…with twenty-seven cats," Roxas panted hoarsely, as Riku stuck his head out of the kitchen.

"Oh, old lady Touru downstairs? She's harmless, unless you walk into her apartment, which she always leaves unlocked for some reason," said Riku, leaning against the kitchen doorway with his legs crossed oddly. "Then her cats attack you."

"Axel…walked into her apartment. Thought it was yours," Roxas gasped.

Sora looked at Riku with an expression of utmost horror all over his face. "Holy shit! The cats'll kill Axel!" He yelled.

"What the fuck!" Roxas shouted back.

"Whatever." Riku pulled his head back into the kitchen.

"We're coming, Axel!" Sora ran for the door, pushed Roxas aside, and threw it open-just as a red and black blur barreled past him into the apartment.

"Holy…crap. Holy crap holy crap holy craaaaaap…" Axel collapsed onto the frayed carpet in the living room, breathing hard. "Those cats, man…They just came out of nowhere."

"Axel! What happened?" Roxas ran to his boyfriend's side, and Axel yanked Roxas down into his lap and held him close. He said, "The apartment door was wide open, so I thought maybe you guys had left it open for us. But when I walked in, this old lady yelled 'CAT-NAPPER!' She whacked at me with her purse, and cats came outta nowhere at my face. I ran out, but this one cat followed me up three flights of stairs and tore my coat." Axel showed them the frayed black hem like it was some sort of battle trophy. "And how come your elevator's not working?"

"It's been broken since before me and Riku moved in," Sora explained. "Our landlord, Xemnas, is a lazy shit who won't spend money to keep this place decent."

"Now that I think about it…this is the first time we've been over to your place," Axel looked around, green eyes narrowed and taking in everything. "In all the time we've known each other, how come you didn't invite Roxas and me over sooner?"

"Yeah! We've had you over tons of times," Roxas chimed in.

"The place is kinda small for visitors…" Sora rubbed the back of his head and looked away, flustered. _**And it's dirty, too. When was the last time we cleaned in here?**_

"Never mind, Roxas. I can see why Sora wouldn't want us over." Axel smirked widely. "It's obvious Riku did the decorating."

"Hey!" Came a shout from the kitchen.

"Riku, what are you doing in there?" Sora got up, peering around to the kitchen entrance, brow furrowed in confusion.

Riku looked at the slight bulge still in his pants, and the panic set in.

"Just wait out there! I'm getting snacks!" Riku ran to the refrigerator and began opening and shutting the door in front of himself, desperate for the cold to have some effect on him.

"Riku, I think I know what this is about," Sora said again, sounding annoyed.

"Really?" Riku ducked down behind the fridge door. Did he see something? Does he know I'm attracted to him? Oh man…

"Yes!" Sora practically yelled. "You don't want to do the porno, so you're hiding in the kitchen. Right?"

"Uh…" Riku ducked down in front of the fridge even farther, and began shifting things around noisily inside. "That's not true, Sora! I'm getting snacks!"

"I'm calling Olette now!" Axel cried from the living room. "Hey look…her number's 847-5309, just like the song! Isn't that interesting, Roxas?"

"This thing's not even written well, Riku, so there's nothing to worry about." Roxas called. "Axel wouldn't let me concentrate last night when I was trying to write it."

Those words, and the subsequent scary images that followed in his mind, made Riku's little "problem" go away immediately. Grumbling a bit to save face, but breathing a secret sigh of relief inside, he slammed the fridge door shut and went back into the living room.

"Yeah, but who remembered to set up the camera and film us, huh?" Axel's smirk grew, if possible, even wider. "Now we've got tons of material for the big sex scene."

Riku was beginning to feel sick.

"Can we just get started now?" Sora was blushing furiously.

"Enough, Axel. You're scaring them." Roxas got to his feet and pulled a wad of papers from his pants pocket. He studied the papers for a few minutes in silence, then said, "OK. Riku, in this first scene, you'll be a pizza delivery guy. I'll need you to take off your pants."

"What the hell! I said I wasn't doing anything explicit!"

"You can wear your underpants! Just take your pants off and stand in the hallway. When I tell you to, ring the doorbell. Sora, you'll answer the door, and Riku will say, 'I've got a sausage pizza here for delivery.' Then, you'll drag Riku inside by his shirt, and you'll start slowly taking off Sora's pants jewelry. Then the scene's over."

"No way, man. Not cool." Riku was backing up to the bedroom door. "I'm not doing that."

"I'm putting Olette on speed-dial!" Axel yelled.

"FINE!" Grumbling, Riku ran into the kitchen to get changed.

"Roxas, I don't have any pants jewelry. I haven't worn jewelry since my 'punk phase,' remember?" Sora looked confused again.

"I took care of it, Sora." Roxas procured a shoebox from a black messenger bag on the floor and shook it. A loud jangling sound came from within. "Just sit down, and I'll get you set up. Axel, you set the camera up over in that corner."

A few minutes later, Sora's pants were covered in all manner of silver chains, buttons, and shiny Velcro zippers. Riku had run out into the hallway during this time, waiting more or less quietly, though Sora could still hear the occasional muttered expletive.

"OK, let's get started." Roxas clapped his hands together and stood up. "Axel, is the camera good to go?" At Axel's nod, Roxas positioned Sora before the doorway and ran behind the camera. "Action!" He yelled.

DING-DONG.

Sora ran forward and opened the door…and his eyes widened to the point where Riku wondered if they'd burst out of his head.

From the waist down, Riku was clothed in only black boxers covered in the "Pirates of the Caribbean" skull and crossbones, along with the words "Dead Men Tell No Tales."

Axel burst out laughing. "Nice boxers, man!" He shouted.

"Axel, quiet!" Roxas stage-whispered.

Sora couldn't believe how good Riku looked. Standing there, looking very uncomfortable, his pale blue eyes not meeting Sora's face, his silvery hair moving ever so slightly in the air from the hall vent, he looked like some sort of supermodel to then brunet. _**Holy shit…his legs look like a famous sculptor made them. How can anyone look this good?**_

**_Hang on a sec…Am I feeling _attracted_ to Riku?_**

"I've got a sausage pizza here for delivery," Riku ground out between clenched teeth.

Sora fainted.

"Plot twist!" Axel shouted, focusing the camera on Sora's prone form.

"Cut, Axel!"

**Author's Note: Fun little fact, Old Lady Touru downstairs was actually based off of the lady who runs the Accessory Shop in Twilight Town. She's the one who owns the cat you need to rescue during Roxas' tutorial. I thought it'd be funny if I gave her a bunch more cats and made her a crazy naeibor. ;)**

**Also, the porno Riku and Sora are doing doesn't actually have a plot. It's basically just a bunch of disconnected porn scenes strung together, so don't worry too much about it.**

**REVIEW CORNER: Thanks for Reviewing: moon maiden of time, I lyk Pie I lyk Chocolate Milk, Meatloaf232, KoKo Disco, Dlbn**

**Reviews are always welcome.**


	3. Chapter 3: ButtCapes and Clown Shoes

**Author's Note:**** I got so many nice reviews for the last chapter of this story, so I just HAD to keep writing! Plus, I've got the idea for this chapter down, and I'm outlining the idea for the next chapter right now. This story is coming along so nicely, so I can't force myself to stop writing it, even though other projects of mine need updates way more than this does. Oh well.**

**Because of all the nice reviews I got for this story, so I decided to post this chapter a day early for you guys. If the nice reviews keep coming, early posts like this might keep happening…**

**DISCLAIMER:**** If I owned "Kingdom Hearts," there would've been a shounen ai scene in the game at some point. Preferably of RikuxSora, AkuRoku, or Zemyx. Or of all three! But that didn't happen…so therefore, I don't own "Kingdom Hearts."**

**WARNINGS****: Perverted conversations, mention of male body parts, language.**

**DEDICATION:**** To my hamster, Daisy, because she's so KYYUUUUTE!!!! I love those little dwarf hamsters. :3**

**KEY:**** Anything in **_italics_ **are Riku's thoughts. Anything in **_**bold italics**_** are Sora's thoughts. Anything in bold is something Riku and Sora are thinking at the same time.**

**Let's get on with the story now, because no one cares about the Author's Notes. And only the evil lawyers care about the disclaimers. DAMN YOU, EVIL LAWYERS!!!! :K **

**Chapter Three: Butt Capes and Clown Shoes**

"Sora, are you sure you still want to do this? I can call Axel and Roxas and tell them not to come over, you know."

"Yes, Riku, I still want to do this! I told you, I fainted because I saw you in your underwear! It was, um…shock…or something. Plus, our savings are half gone. If this movie doesn't work out, we'll be on the street."

"OK, OK! …Do I really look that bad in just my boxers?"

"Uh…" Sora looked away, blushing. In truth, he'd been dreaming about Riku in his underwear every single night since they'd filmed that scene, as well as trying to figure out a way to steal Riku's underwear from his drawer in their shared dresser. (His latest plan involved someone dropping him from the ceiling on a rope while he shot Riku with tranquilizers. He also wondered whether it would be possible to molest Riku if he had tranquilizers in him...)

"Hey, dude, you look kinda funny. You sure you're feeling OK?" Riku leaned over the couch that Sora was sprawled on and, without thinking, put his hand on Sora's forehead, as if checking for a fever.

The reaction was instantaneous.

Upon feeling Riku's cool, dry, incredibly sexy hand on his head, Sora's face went as red as Axel's hair. "YARGH!" He yelled, jumping about a foot off the couch and attempting to climb up the apartment wall. "DON'T TOUCH MY HEAD! DON'T TOUCH! DOOONNN'T TOOOUUUCCCHHHH!"

"Okay, man!" Riku cried, snatching his hand away from Sora and backing away to the other side of the room. "Sorry…"

"It's OK," said Sora, calming down slightly and turning around quickly, showing Riku his back and thankful that his baggy pants hid Sora Junior's reaction to his friend's touch.

_Jeez…what was that about? _Riku walked into the bedroom, peering out the door at the spiky brunet on the couch. _All I did was touch him._

_Maybe he thinks I'm a pervert?! Oh, shit! I totally screwed up any chance I had to get him like me, didn't I? I'm so stupid! No one likes it when people just randomly touch them. We learned that back in grade school! _

The front door banged open, causing Riku to jump about a foot into the air.

"We're here, bitches!" Axel yelled. "Come on, let's get going! This porno's not going to film itself!"

"Kami!" Riku snarled, storming out of the bedroom and glaring at the smirking redhead. "Can't you guys knock like normal people!?"

"Oooh, teen angst!" Axel leaned against the wall, smirk turned up full-force in Riku's direction. "What's up, Rikee?"

"NOTHING!" Riku yelled, storming back into the bedroom.

"What KIND of nothing?" More smirking.

"Axel, shut it and set up the camera," Roxas walked in, lugging the heavy black messenger bag with the camera equipment inside behind him. He thrust the bag into his boyfriend's arms and collapsed onto the couch next to Sora.

"You're no fun, Roxy," Axel pouted slightly as he started pulling tangles of black wire and a folded up tripod from the messenger bag. "Maybe filming more _private_ stuff for the movie will loosen you up, hm?" He grinned over at Roxas, running his poison-green eyes up and down his body, mentally undressing him.

"Axel, not in front of Sora!" Roxas was blushing furiously.

"It's fine," Sora said, smiling slightly at the couple and wishing he could have something similar.

"Oooooooh…Are you giving us permission, Sora?" Axel gave a lazy, cat-like grin.

"AXEL, IF YOU START, I'LL KILL YOU RIGHT HERE AND NOW!" Came a shout from the bedroom.

"Some friend _you_ are, Riku." Axel went back to pouting and untangling the camera wires.

"OK, while Axel's setting up the camera, let's go over the scene. Riku, get your ass out of the bedroom. Axel still has Olette on speed dial." Roxas yanked the script out of his pants pocket and studied it for a minute.

Needless to say, Riku got his ass out of the bedroom, and into the armchair in the living room.

"Alright. In this scene, Riku will be a villain, and Sora will be a mighty hero. You two will face off at opposite ends of the room, and then you'll start fighting and knock each other onto the couch. Then you'll start disrobing each other. We'll cut before either of you are fully naked; don't worry. Here are your lines; you can take ten minutes to memorize them before we start filming." Roxas handed Riku and Sora bunches of notecards.

" 'My mightiest weapon is down below?' " Riku arched a silver brow at Roxas. "What the hell, man? This is crap! I'm not saying this!"

"Actually, Axel came up with that line." Roxas blushed again, rubbing the back of his neck as Sora laughed.

"Yes, and if you diss my lines again, you might just find those cute little pirate boxers of yours all over YouTube, Riku," Axel said simply.

Riku closed his eyes, not believing the amount of blackmail he was giving the redhead. "Fine…" he gritted out. "I'll do it."

"Thanks, Riku." Sora gave him a huge smile, and Riku's stomach did a weird flip. But it wasn't a bad kind of weird.

"Great." Roxas clapped him on the shoulder. "Let's get you into your villain costume."

"My…villain costume? What's that?" Riku was beginning to feel alarmed.

Axel pulled a length of midnight blue cloth from the messenger bag. "My old Halloween costume." He smirked. "Roxas 'n' me had _fun _with this thing." He patted it fondly, sighing with content. "It's too small now, though, so it should fit you."

Riku groaned, but grabbed the costume from Axel and went into the bedroom to change.

"C'mon, Sora," said Roxas. "Let's go to your room and see if you have any good hero clothes."

"You don't have a Halloween costume for me?" Sora looked a bit disappointed.

"Nope. Axel likes to be the villain in bed."

Sora's cheeks pinked slightly. "TMI, Roxas," he muttered. "TMI." **(A.N.:TMI = Too Much Information)**

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"OK, Sora, show Axel how you look!" Roxas shouted from the other end of the refrigerator, which Sora was changing behind.

"Roooxxaaassss…this is dumb…" Sora moaned. "I don't even have a cape! All the really cool heroes have capes."

"I told you, a cape'll just get in the way of the camera. You look great! Now come out. Don't be like Riku…"

A few minutes later, Sora emerged from the kitchen, pouting. From the waist up, he was wearing his usual short sleeved, black and silver hoodie and thin black tank top. But below, he had on a pair of baggy red pants that were too small and showed off everything from the knee down, decked out with some silver chains courtesy of Roxas. To make things worse, he was wearing a pair of yellow clown shoes.

"Um…wow." Axel was trying very hard not to laugh. "You look…good, Sora. Very interesting."

"Don't lie, Axel." Sora snapped. "The only reason I still have these shoes is 'cause Kairi got them for me."

"Ohh… Did you have a fight that day or somethin'?" Axel's eyes were wide, trying to simply take Sora in.

"No." Sora's pout grew deeper. "All the guys on Destiny Islands wear these shoes! That's why she got them for me. She said they were cool…"

"O-kay. And the pants…?"

"I just never threw these away! They're too _small!_ Can't I just wear my regular pants, Roxas?" Sora cried.

"I never knew your legs were so scrawny…" Axel muttered.

"What was that, Axel?" Sora's cerulean eyes were glaring a hole through Axel's black coat.

"NOTHING! Nothing at all…"

"Hey Riku! You done preening in there? Come on out!" Roxas yelled at the bedroom door.

A few minutes later, the door opened, and out stepped a very angry looking god.

Sora nearly fainted again looking at how tight the dark blue material was on his body, how the jumpsuit hugged every corded muscle and ab in Riku's body. And Riku was _ripped_. A stylized black and red heart on the front of the suit accentuated his chest muscles, and he was wearing a pair of red and blue boots to match. To finish the whole thing off, a long drape of white feathers tipped in pale blue fell around Riku's waist, which was cinched with a silver belt.

Sora began thanking the gods that Roxas had had the genius to put him in baggy pants.

"I was right," Riku snarled. "I was abso-fucking-lutely right! You did make me dress up as a girl, Pyru! What is this fruity getup, anyway!? Your sister's prom dress?"

Axel shrugged. "It's a Dark Princess of Heart costume. You remember those old fairy tales, about the seven Princesses of Heart?"

"Fuck you."

"Ah, Axel, I told you not to put the Butt-Cape in there!" Roxas groaned.

"But I _like_ the Butt-Cape, Roxy! It's my favorite part of the costume!" Axel protested.

"What's the Butt-Cape?" Riku looked between Roxas and Axel nervously.

"That." Roxas pointed at the feathered drape around Riku's waist.

Riku glared bloody murder at Axel. "You better buy a new lock for your door, Axel," he said darkly.

"Alright, let's film this thing already." Roxas said. "Axel, finish with camera. You two." He pointed at Riku and Sora. "Learn your lines. We're on in ten."

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"OK, are we ready with the camera?" Roxas yelled. At Axel's nod, he shoved Sora and Riku into their proper positions-facing each other at opposite ends of the living room-and ran over to his boyfriend's side.

"And…ACTION!" He cried.

Riku strode forward powerfully, his muscles rippling and a cold expression on his face. Sora swallowed hard, feeling ripples of excitement and even a little fear (Riku _really_ looked the part of the Bloodthirsty Sex Fiend) coursing through him.

"So we meet again, O Mighty Keyblade Wielder," Riku spoke deeply and seriously. "I assume you wish to lock the Keyhole I have within me?"

Sora glared at Roxas. "This is so…perverted!" He mouthed at the blond.

"It's a PORNO, remember?" Roxas hissed back, making furious motions with his arms for them to continue.

Sora turned back to Riku. "I have indeed come for your Keyhole, Black Princess of Heart," he said, blue eyes taking on a determined sheen. "Are you planning on fighting me, or will you allow me and my Key to pass?"

"Never," Riku continued, while giving Axel and Roxas Death Glares for calling him a princess. "You will never win…for my mightiest weapon is down below!"

The two leapt at each other and began to playfully wrestle around. After about six retakes due to Sora giggling uncontrollably and Riku's foot once lashing out and knocking over the camera, they finally had each other on the couch. And neither of them knew what to do.

"Start taking each other's shirts off!" Roxas hissed.

_**I don't think I can do this**_, Sora thought, lifting shaky hands to Riku's chest as a certain part of his anatomy down below swelled uncomfortably.

Riku's heart started beating ten times faster in his chest as Sora's fingers brushed against him, and he reached out and touched Sora's hoodie. Sora didn't cringe away this time, and Riku could feel himself responding to the thought that he was going to see Sora with his shirt off right now…

"Ah, never mind. Cut." Came Roxas's voice, sounding disappointed. "You two aren't going to be able to get the reaction I want. You look like teenagers on your first date, not like two beings of unbridled passion. Axel and me'll do it later."

"What were you expecting, Roxas? They're straight," Axel said as he turned off the camera and started packing it away.

Sora and Riku both snatched their fingers away, disappointed that the moment had been taken away from them. Sora resisted the impulse to run his fingers through Riku's long, shiny silver hair with difficulty, and Riku likewise resisted the impulse to feel up Sora's ass.

"Come oooonnnn, Roxas. I want to get filming now," Axel whined, a certain lecherous gleam in his eyes that made Riku and Sora back away slowly.

"Okay, I'm coming." Roxas packed a few last things away in the messenger bag. "Riku, you need to get changed out of that costume…"

"Never mind that! He can keep it." Axel had apparently decided that he wanted Roxas _now_, and so clamped his hand around the blond's wrist and dragged him out.

"Bye guys! See you tomorrow," Roxas shouted as he was noisily dragged down the apartment stairs.

"This whole day has been so weird…" Sora shook his head.

"Hey man, can you help me here? This belt is stuck." Riku was yanking at the silver belt holding the Butt-Cape, which supposedly had fit the much-thinner Axel well and was too tight on him. Something akin to "Fuck you, Axel" came out of his mouth.

_**Looks like we're doing the scene after all**_. Sora lifted his hands to Riku's waist and started pulling at the belt, trying to ignore his sweaty palms, racing heart, and heightened arousal.

"Why won't it come loose!?" Riku scowled, reaching down and yanking on the other side of the belt.

"I'm trying-it's really stuck!" Sora pulled as hard as he could.

"GODDAMMIT!" Riku shouted. He and Sora both pulled on the belt as hard as they could-and Riku tripped on an uneven part in the carpet.

"Whoa!" The taller boy fell on top of Sora, his ass landing right on the brunet's lap.

Both of them sat like that for a minute, stunned and embarrassed.

"Sorry!" Riku finally managed to get out, before dashing into the bedroom to struggle with the belt in private, leaving Sora paralyzed on the couch.

Both of them were thinking the same thing.

**That was the most awkward moment of my life.**

**Author's Note****: Whew! It's finally finished. That took longer than I thought, but it was worth it anyway. ****:)**

**Also, if any of my nice reviewers would be willing to give me some "Kingdom Hearts" crack pairings for another project I'm thinking of doing, that would be really, really nice. But you don't have to.**

**Review please, and tell me what you think. If you didn't like it, please tell me why. And remember: According to the Law of Karma, bad things will happen to you if you flame, so please-NO FLAMES. (OK, I made up the karma thing, but please don't flame anyway.)**

**REVIEW CORNER ****Thanks for Reviewing:**

**Desiderium777**

**Sky91**

**I lyk Pie I lyk Chocolate Milk**

**zeroflame**

**moon maiden of time**

**Peace-**

**-YukaiChick-**


	4. Chapter 4: Of Keyblades and Keyholes

**Author's Note:**** Holy crap, I'm updating this. I almost can't believe it myself.**

**I still have a very vague notion of "schedules," which is the reason I'm updating now. Technically, this was supposed to be out several weeks ago. But my life has actually been really crazy right now. There's scholarships, AP Biology projects, my #$% desktop computer crashed, crazy Cthulu cult worshipers, Carribean voodoo, my periodic alien abductions, soul-stealing vampires…you know, the usual. **

**What you're reading now is the "clean" version of this chapter. I got bored and typed up Riku's wet dream in more detail. It's not essential to the storyline, and you don't have to read it, but if you want to, it's on . Go there and search either my username, **LostInThought8**, or the title of the story, which is "Riku and Sora Make a Porno-Uncensored!" on AdultFanFic. I'm technologically retarded, and so I don't know how to make a clickable link to it. Just go and search it, mmkay?**

**DISCLAIMER:**** If I owned "Kingdom Hearts," there would definitely be a lot of HAWT yaoi action that would probably end up giving the game a rating of "M." Since that doesn't happen =( I don't own "Kingdom Hearts." The lyrics used in this chapter are from the song "S.E.X.," by Nickelback. I don't own that, either.**

**KEY:**** Anything in **_italics_ **are Riku's thoughts/dreams. Anything in **_**bold italics**_ **are Sora's thoughts. Anything in bold is something Riku and Sora are thinking simultaneously.**

**DEDICATION:**** To Tori, the most fabulously amazing friend in the entire friggin' universe. If they gave out awards for awesome friends, she would hands-down get one.**

**OK, let's get this show on the road.**

**Chapter 4: Of Keyblades and Keyholes**

Riku moaned, writhing around on the dilapidated living-room couch in his sleep. Inside his head, Sora was in a very…compromising position, and he was only a second away from finding release himself.

_Only a few more minutes now…just a little further…The spiky-haired brunet was making the sweetest of mewling sounds as Riku lay hot kisses along his jaw and tweaked at his dusky pink nipples. They were both so close. He slowly moved his hands downward from Sora's chest, and-_

"Riku?"

Ice-blue eyes snapped open immediately upon hearing the soft, concerned voice, and Riku's beautiful dreamscape of a moonlit beach vanished. Above his face, he saw Sora's bright blue eyes looking down at him with concern. The brown spikes of his hair were even more unruly, since he'd just gotten out of bed. Riku was caught between wanting to sigh at how cute he looked and wanting to swear profusely because his dream of Sora had been interrupted. By Sora. Oh, the irony.

"Oh good, you're awake," Sora relaxed his tense posture and collapsed in a heap next to the couch. "What were you dreaming about, dude? I kept hearing you yell 'OH DEAR GOD, SORA!' from the bedroom."

_He heard that!? Son of a- _"It was nothing," Riku's mind worked frantically at coming up with a believable lie. He blushed a deep scarlet at the memories of his dream, glad that it was dark and Sora couldn't see his face. "I dreamt we were…playing blitzball, is all. You threw the ball at my head real hard."

"…Oh. I was wondering if I was dying or something. You were really…vocal. I was just about to wake you up."

"Hey…" Riku noticed the bundle of clothes in Sora's lap. "Is that my underwear?"

Now it was Sora's turn to blush and be grateful for the cover of darkness. "Uh, yeah, I was just gonna…do some laundry."

"Its-" Riku checked the digital clock glowing on the coffee table. "-two AM."

"I-I know that." _**Come on, Aoyagi, think!**_ "I was just putting it in the hamper for later. Y'know, since I'm up and all." Sora stood up, hiding Riku's hot pink boxers in his shirt as he did so. "You should go back to sleep. I mean, we're filming tomorrow, so we need to be rested."

Sora padded back into the bedroom, and Riku turned over, cursing at the hard bulge in his pants. _Go away, damn you!_

In the bedroom, Sora was breathing deep sighs of relief that Riku hadn't remembered Laundry Day wasn't for another week.

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"What the hell is that, Roxas?"

"It's a Keyblade, of course," Roxas answered as if everyone should be able to recognize one on sight, and perhaps have long and interesting conversations about it as well.

Riku gave him a blank stare.

"Oh, come on, man! You don't know about _Keyblades!?_" Roxas waved the cheap plastic toy, covered in gold and silver glitter, in front of Riku's face.

Blink. Blink.

Roxas sighed. "Axel gave it to me as some kind of sex toy, OK?" He hissed under his breath.

Riku snorted with laughter. "WHAT!?"

"It's got a Mickey Mouse head…" Sora was at Roxas's elbow, tugging on the Keyblade's handle as he examined it.

"Stop grabbing at it!" Roxas yanked the formidable weapon/sex toy to his chest. "You'll break it!"

Sora stared at him blankly.

"Axel made it, alright? Will you lay off now?"

"Oh, well then, no wonder it looks retarded," Riku rolled his eyes.

"I think I may have heard a little bunny mention me in a not-so-bunnyful way…" A spiky red head poked out of the kitchen, where Axel was setting up the camera behind the kitchen table after Roxas had asked him to "stop zooming in on the actors' asses."

"How did you know Riku was talking about you?" Sora asked.

Axel tapped his head. "I've got Riku-Is-Insulting-Me-Right-Now radar, obviously!"

"Bastard…" Riku muttered under his breath.

"I _heard_ that, Rikee!"

"Let's get started, shall we?" Roxas said quickly, as Riku looked determined to start up World War III with Axel, blackmail or no blackmail. "Is the camera ready, Ax?"

"Yeees. What do I get as a reward for settin' it up?" Axel had a familiar lecherous gleam in his jade eyes.

"Later, Axel!" Roxas yelled, cheeks taking on a pink hue. "OK, Sora, Riku, in this scene I want you to-"

"Not _later_. Noooowwww," came a playful whine from the kitchen.

Roxas rolled his eyes. "This is _someone else's_ apartment!"

"So?"

Roxas decided to ignore his boyfriend. "Alright, Riku, you're going to take this and-" Roxas attempted to hand the Keyblade over to Riku, only to have the older boy go pale and back away.

"Hell no! I don't know where this thing's been!"

"HELLO, IS THIS OLETTE'S HOUSE?" Said a very loud voice in the kitchen.

"FINE!" Riku gingerly took the Keyblade, holding it between his finger and thumb and looking as though he'd just been forced to eat large amounts of high school cafeteria food.

"…You can have a reward for that." Roxas went to the kitchen and gave his boyfriend a quick kiss on the lips. Axel, growling playfully, grabbed Roxas by the belt loops on his pants and kissed him harder.

Sora cleared his throat loudly.

"Ah, fine. Only for you, Sor." Axel went back to adjusting the camera lens.

"Okay…where was I again?" Roxas was now very pink in the face and seemed slightly dazed. "Oh yeah, the scene. OK, Riku, you're a brave hero who's searching for the fabled 'Keyhole.' This Keyhole is very dangerous and can only be locked with the mighty Keyblade."

"But it's a _sex toy_!" Riku wailed, holding the thing away from him at arm's length.

"Where's the Keyhole?" Sora asked.

"Good question, Sora," Sora didn't miss how Roxas wouldn't meet his eyes, and how his blush deepened. He started to think he wouldn't like the answer. "It's up your butt."

"WHAT!" Riku yelled. "I have to stick this thing up Sora's ass!?"

"Roxas, can't the Keyhole be somewhere else? Like up Riku's butt?" Sora couldn't help thinking he wouldn't mind sticking something up that sexy ass…_**Oh, no. Bad thought. Not going there right now**_.

"Look, Axel and me'll do the sex scene later…"

"WHOOHOO!" Axel yelled, still tinkering with the camera in the kitchen.

"…all Riku has to do is stick the Keyblade up Sora's butt and twist it around for a minute."

"Nuh-uh. Not gonna happen." Riku had a feeling he'd end up fantasizing about it later, but there was NO WAY he was sticking something up Sora's butt in front of Axel.

"Look, Riku, I don't want to do this either-" _**Even though I really do. **_"-but we're almost out of money. If we can't get this porno out, we'll be on the streets with the drug dealers." Sora's head drooped slightly as he spoke.

As much as he hated it, Sora was telling the truth. "Fine. Let's just get it over with," Riku muttered, going beet-red at the thought of what he was about to do.

"Okay!" Roxas pulled a few index cards out of his pockets and handed them to Sora and Riku. "Just read from these, Axel and I will do edits later." He ran into the kitchen and situated himself out of the camera's range. "Action!"

"Uh…" Sora glanced at the card Roxas had given him. "Did you come to seal the Keyhole, O Mighty One?" He read.

"Yes. I have travelled long and far, and I heard that the Keyhole was here, in the Land of the Ukes," Riku read. "Do you know where it is?"

"HEY!" Sora yelled. "I'M NOT AN UKE!"

"Chill, Sora," Roxas said, making calming gestures at the fuming brunet. "Let's just keep going."

Muttering furiously under his breath, Sora read his next line. "Yes, Mighty Keyblade Wielder. It is right here. Turn around, present ass to Riku."

"Sora, those are stage directions! They're in parentheses! You don't read that stuff, you just do it." Roxas gave an exasperated sigh.

"Well, sor-_ry_," Sora huffed. "I've never done this before!"

"It's fine. Just keep going, I wanna see how this turns out," Roxas gestured for them to continue.

Sora was beginning to feel nervous. _**I can't believe I'm letting Riku so near my rear end. And he doesn't know how I feel about him…**_

Sora turned around and leaned over, so his butt was right in Riku's face. He even wiggled it around a bit for good measure.

_Kami, his ass is nice…_ Riku shook his head slightly to keep from staring and lifted the Keyblade so it was right above Sora's butt…

"SEX IS ALWAYS THE ANSWER, IT'S NEVER THE QUESTION, 'CAUSE THE ANSWER'S YES…"

"Wagggh!" Riku jumped and poked Sora hard in the right butt cheek.

"Ow!" Sora jumped slightly and turned to glare at Riku, rubbing his rear end. "What the hell, man?"

"Axel, I told you not to play the Nickelback CD until the end of the scene!" Roxas sounded as if he wanted to start biting off heads.

"Well, I thought they needed something to set the mood!" Axel had his hands on his hips and sounded defensive. "I mean, they were taking forever about it!"

"Axxxxeeeellll…" Riku growled. He charged into the kitchen with an angry roar, intent on beating Axel to an inch of his life. _He ruined my only chance to stick something up Sora's ass!_

"Time to go," said Axel. While dodging Riku's wild punches, he gathered up the camera gear, shoved everything in the messenger bag, grabbed Roxas, and ran out of the apartment.

"See you guys tomorrow!" Roxas yelled as they stampeded down the stairs.

Just then, Sora spotted something round and black on the kichen floor.

"FUCK YOU, YOU BASTARD PYRO!" Riku yelled out the door, before storming back into the apartment.

"Wait!" Sora ran out after them before Riku could say anything. "You forgot the lens cap!"

Sora caught a glimpse of flaming red hair two floors below and raced down the stairs. "Hang on a sec!" He yelled again, vaulting over the railing in order to catch his two friends.

"Thanks, Sor," Axel turned around and took the camera lens from Sora at the landing, then headed towards the door.

"Axel, wait!"

Axel paused, turning his head back to Sora. "What is it?"

"Why'd you get Roxas such a weird sex toy?" Sora had been dying to ask that of Axel since Roxas had told him and Riku what the Keyblade was.

"He…told you the Keyblade was a sex toy?" Axel rubbed the back of his neck and flushed slightly.

"Isn't it?"

"Hell no! It's supposed to represent the key to my heart, or something sappy like that. I dunno. Don't know why Roxas thought it was a sex toy."

"But why does it have a Mickey Mouse head?" Sora asked.

"I got it at Disneyland. It's cute, right?"

"Axel! Come on, I got the car running!" Roxas yelled from the apartment building's parking lot.

"See ya tomorrow," With a quick wave of the hand, Axel left.

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"Hey Riku, why were you so mad at Axel?" Sora asked as he reentered their apartment.

"No reason," Riku paced around the living room, glaring at the furniture as if it had done him a great personal wrong. "Just…nothing." He stormed into the kitchen.

_Man, do I need a drink right now._

**Author's Note:**** CUT! That's a wrap, people! (lolz)**

**Reviews and constructive criticism are always welcome. Flames are not.**

**REVIEW CORNER Thanks for Reviewing:**

**BunBunBabe**

**OnceInABlueMoon127**

**moon maiden of time**

**I absolutely agonized over this chapter. I knew how I wanted it to start, and I knew I wanted some AkuRoku fluff at the end, but I wasn't really sure how the middle should go, other than the Keyblade-up-the-butt part. Took me forever to get it right. I'm still not sure if this is really funny or not…but then, I've always been my worst critic. Hope you guys liked, anyway.**

**I'll try to get another chapter out soon!**

**Peace-**

**YukaiChick**


	5. Chapter 5: The Heartless Are Coming!

**Author's Note:**** …What? Choosing a college is very difficult, you know. I'm probably traumatized for life from the experience. Yet I'm still typing up this Fic for you, even though it's 11:00 at night AND I had some minor writer's block with this chapter AND I'm blowing off math homework to do it. YOU'RE WELCOME.**

**I FINALLY got the uncensored version of this story up on AdultFanFiction, so if you want to read my lemon, just go there and search my username, LostinThought8, or the story title, "Riku and Sora Make a Porno-Uncensored!" I'll now be updating simultaneously on AdultFanFiction and FanFiction for this story, but except for a few minor things (such as formatting and Author's Notes) the chapters will be the same unless there's a lemon. I'll tell you if there is one in a chapter, though. (There isn't in this one.)**

**KEY:**** Anything in **_italics_** is something Riku is thinking. Anything in **_**bold italics**_** is something Sora is thinking. Anything in bold is something Riku and Sora are thinking at the same time.**

**DISCLAIMER:**** If I owned "Kingdom Hearts," Axel would have been either naked or shirtless in all his scenes, and Sora would look like he does in "Kingdom Hearts II" in all the games. Since that isn't the case, I don't own "Kingdom Hearts."**

**DEDICATION:**** For **shiningsugar14** and Laura, two girls I met at a college overnight thing who were also KH fangirls and reaffirmed my belief that one day fangirls will RULE THE WORLD!!! MWAHAHA!!! …Nevertheless, we had a lot of *squee*-ing moments together, and it was fun. Thanks for the good times, girls. ;)**

**So many people alerted this story and put it on their Favorites lists, or alerted me, or put me on their Favorites lists-My brain nearly exploded from all the mails! I LOVE ALL YOU GUYS SOOO MUCH!!! (Lyk srsly) But I would also love to hear from you. If you put this story on an alert/favorites list, please send me a review to go with it. I would like that very much.**

**OK, let's DO this!**

**Chapter Five: The Heartless Are Coming!**

Riku knew today had to be the day. If he didn't want to keep having these dreams that kept him up half the night, he had to tell Sora how he felt. His roommate was currently out grocery shopping (a difficult task, considering their ever-dwindling finances) so Riku was alone until Roxas and his Crazy Pyro Bitch showed up for filming. He planned to use this time to figure out what he'd say to Sora when the brunet returned.

_OK, I'm a smart guy. I can totally do this. Oh man, I REALLY wish I'd paid attention when Olette forced me to watch those shitty romance movies…_Riku paced the apartment's tiny living room, worrying at his bottom lip. Scenarios where Sora got really pissed off after his love confession, packed up his things and moved out, intending to have wild threesomes with Axel and Roxas every night, kept flashing through his head.

_Maybe I could kneel down on one knee and tell him? Or is that only for marriages? I could recite a poem…something like "I am the wall and Sora is the paint," or something? Aw, who am I kidding, that doesn't even make sense! He's gonna run out screaming that I'm drunk, or crazy. Or both. Or that I finally bought something from that weirdo Seifer Almasy, who's always on the corner _staring _at people…_

_Food might help. Everyone likes food. Food can be sexy. But what would put Sora in the mood?_

Riku ran to the cabinets and began rifling through the shelves in a frenzy, keeping an eye on the door. He knew Sora would be back any minute. The guy rarely took more than half an hour at the store, and twenty-eight of those minutes had already passed. _How come all we have is Ramen!? And it's all shrimp-flavored? I gotta go to the store next time we need food…_

Finally, Riku found a smushed package of Oreos at the back of a cabinet. _Hey, these are Sora's favorite!_ He bit into one, and breathed a huge sigh of relief when he found they weren't stale. Riku put the cookies on the coffee table and sprawled out on the couch, trying to seem relaxed even though he was certain his heart would burst from his chest at any moment.

Then the door clicked open, and Riku had a quiet and hopefully unnoticeable panic attack as Sora walked in, juggling his keys and two plastic bags of food.

"Man, Riku, we really are running out of cash." Sora locked the door, just in case there were some druggies outside who wanted to hide from the cops in their apartment (again) and tossed his keys on the counter. "I didn't have enough money for the food. But luckily Leon was working the cash register today, so he let me have a few things for free."

Riku could feel another panic attack coming on. What if Sora liked Leon!? The guy was pretty hot-built like a male model, with spiky brown hair that flopped in his eyes just right and smoldering cobalt eyes. Riku really didn't know how his cheerful best friend had befriended the quiet older man. But what if Sora started dating Leon, and then married Leon, and then had sex with Leon, and moved in with Leon, and-

"Riku? Hello in there?"

"…Huh!?" Riku's icy eyes focused on Sora's arm waving up and down two inches from his face. "Oh, sorry. Guess I just…zoned out there, or something…"

"Um, okay." Sora set the grocery bags down on the coffee table and collapsed onto the armchair. "'Course, I wonder if Leon only gave me that discount because he wanted me to hurry up and leave so he could make out with Cloud in the back…"

Riku gave a deep sigh of relief. How could he have forgotten about the anti-social, spiky-haired blond who almost never talked? He'd been Leon's boyfriend since Riku-didn't-know how long. The guy was kind of paranoid, and tended to…_twitch_, every so often. Supposedly he'd been traumatized because his best friend had died in a car crash or something.

Riku knew now that he needed to act fast. Sora was extremely desirable, and could be snatched up by all kinds of men who looked like mythological Greek gods at any moment.

"HELLO! EARTH TO RIKU! IS ANYONE HOME!"

"What the FUCK!?" Riku nearly fell off the couch, then realized that Sora was now crouched on the floor right next to him and had yelled in his ear. "What the hell did you do that for?"

"I've been trying to talk to you for the last couple minutes, and you just kept staring at the same spot on the wall. I thought you might've gone crazy." Sora leaned in close, blue eyes wide and brown spikes dangerously close to poking Riku's eye out. "You're not crazy, are you?" He whispered.

"…No." Riku sat up straight on the couch. He had to do this now, before he got distracted again by something else Sora said. _Come on Riku. Sink or swim. Fly or fall. TELL. HIM. NOW. _"Sora…there's something I want to tell you."

"Sure, Riku. What is it-Ooh! Cookies!" Sora had just noticed the box of Oreos. He viciously attacked the package and crammed three into his mouth. "Go ahead," he said around a mouthful of cookies, making hand motions for Riku to continue.

…_That kinda ruined the moment. But I can still do this! _"Sora…uh…you remember that time in high school when Kairi started a yaoi fangirls club? And then she followed Wakka around school all day because she was _so sure_ he was gay with Tidus and she wanted pictures? But then, remember, she ended up following Wakka all the way to the broom closet where he started making out with Lulu? So then she set the camera off by mistake because she was surprised, and Wakka heard and chased her all over the school yelling 'I'M NOT GAY, DAMMIT!'" Riku laughed a little in spite of himself. "That's my favorite memory from high school."

Sora took a few more cookies. "Is that all you wanted to tell me?"

"No!" _Don't screw this up! Idiot! _"Um…uh…Life is like a maze, don't you think? Only there are several endings, and at most of the endings there are electric wires that'll shock you, right? But at one of the endings there's cheese. And the trick to succeeding in life is finding the end of the maze where there's cheese."

Sora stared at Riku. The silver-haired boy wondered if he'd ever seen those blue eyes any bigger. The brunet's mouth fell open, and a few half-chewed Oreos fell out. "Riku, you're drunk, aren't you?" Sora asked quietly.

"No! No, I'm not drunk! I'll count backwards from ten if you want, as many times as you want. I haven't bought booze in ages!" Riku jumped up from the couch, desperate to prove his point, to get Sora to see what he was saying…

"Oh God. You bought something from Seifer, didn't you."

"No, I didn't…I WAS GOING FOR CRYPTIC METAPHORS, DAMMIT!"

There was a knock at the door.

"Well, I guess that's enough 'cryptic metaphors' for the day, huh?" Sora rolled his eyes, got up, and opened the door, revealing Roxas on the other side.

"Hey, Sora. Axel's just in the car getting a few things out; he'll be up in a bit-what's up with Riku?"

Roxas stepped inside just in time to hear the slam of the bedroom door, and the sound of cursing so profane it couldn't be repeated in any type of book, movie, or art in the world.

"Holy crap…" Roxas paled slightly-quite a feat for him, as he'd already been on the pale side to start with.

"I didn't even know half those words existed," Sora murmured, mouth open in shock and awe.

"'Sup everyone, how's it going-whoa, you playin' a dirty movie in here?" Axel appeared in the doorway, his arms full of camera equipment.

Roxas could only point at the bedroom door.

"Wow, Rikee? I didn't know he had it in him." Axel smirked and rapped on the bedroom door. "Hey, you kiss your mother with that mouth, Agatsuma?"

After two or three more words the door swung open, nearly hitting Axel in the face, and Riku strolled out. He was a little red in the face, but otherwise seemed perfectly calm. "Hey everyone. We ready to film?" He said, his eyes falling on each member of the group and clearly saying _talk about what just happened and I will cut you in your sleep._

Roxas nodded vigorously. "Y-yeah. Axel, go set up the camera in the usual place, and we'll go over the scene."

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"OK, everyone," said Axel, once the camera had been set up and Axel and Roxas had been forcibly pulled off of each other. "This is gonna be a special scene, because-"

"I'm not wearing any more butt capes."

"Aw, but you looked so _cute_, Riku." That smirk that made Riku want to kill things was back on Axel's face. "But not today. Today, I bought something from old Yen Sid on the corner. He likes me."

"Can't imagine why," Riku muttered.

"I heard that, Riku, and if you don't want those cute little boxers of yours all over YouTube-"

"Why don't you just show them what you bought, Ax," Roxas said hurriedly, before the two of them started killing each other.

"Well, OK. Just for you, Roxy." With the air of a magician about to reveal an amazing new trick, Axel reached into his now-customary black bag and pulled out...something.

There was silence as the other three tried to figure out just what exactly it was. The thing was about seven inches tall and was pitch black all over, with a huge, round head topped off with a pair of crooked antennae. It was hunched over, standing on two flat feet, and with short, stubby little claws for arms. A pair of huge, bright yellow eyes stared out at the four boys.

"Well? Isn't it awesome? You can all sing my undying praises now." Axel sat back on his heels, looking a bit like a cat that had just eaten several bowls of warm cream.

There was silence.

"Come on, I'm dyin' over here!" Axel protested.

"Axel?" Sora finally said.

"Yeah?"

"…What the fuck is that thing?"

"It's a…uh…well it's, um…it cost fifty cents, and it's…"

"_This_ is what you refused to show me in the car?" Roxas broke in. "It looks like a mutated ant."

"Trust Axel to screw this movie up," Riku broke in.

"Hey!" Axel's green cat-eyes narrowed slightly. "Roxas told me to get a fearsome monster, which you and Sora would then attack with fake swords as a sign of your undying love, or something. Then you'd make love next to its mutilated corpse, which would really be us, of course. That's my favorite part."

"Axel, this isn't a fearsome monster," said Roxas. "It's…cute. If we show Riku and Sora attacking it, we'll have the Twilight Town ASPCA or something on our asses."

"It is not cute!" Axel picked the toy up and waved it slightly, as if to emphasize its supposed creepiness. "The eyes kept following me in the store! That's creepy. And Yen Sid says it scared off some little kid last week. And it winds up and moves around! See?" Axel flipped the thing over to show a silver wind-up key in its back.

"Axel, it's not scary because you're crazy, it scares little kids, and it winds up." Riku rolled his eyes.

"All right, listen!" Sora yelled. He'd had about enough arguing for one day. "The eyes are kinda weird, so we'll just focus the camera on those. And maybe we can edit some blood in, Roxas?"

"It'll do. Not a bad idea, Sora," Roxas said. "OK then, let's get started. Axel, get over to the camera and focus it on the thing's eyes and _not my ass_. Sora, Riku, lemme get your swords and your lines." Roxas rummaged in the bag for a few minutes, leaning over slightly to find what he needed. Axel took the opportunity to get in a little groping.

"Later, Axel," Roxas grumbled, but a pale pink blush had spread over his cheeks and he was smiling slightly anyway. He tossed Sora and Riku sheets of paper and long wooden sticks.

"Roxas, these are _sticks_," Riku said, waving his around slightly.

"Yeah I know," said Roxas. "But I can't get real swords, now can I? We'll fix it later in editing…or would you rather I bring the Keyblade back?" He smirked in a way eerily similar to Axel's.

"FEAR ME, I HAVE A STICK!" Riku yelled, then went off to practice lines.

"He gets really random when he's scared," said Sora before going to join him.

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"Alright Axel, wind it up," said Roxas, after Riku and Sora had learned their lines, Axel had made a few last minute adjustments to the camera, and Axel and Roxas had been forcibly pulled off of each other again.

Axel leaned over and gave the key a few good turns. The creature's yellow eyes seemed to glow for a moment, then it straightened up slightly and began to waddle around in circles.

"Action," Roxas whispered, then dragged Axel off to the kitchen to start filming.

Sora and Riku got their sticks into combat-ready positions, facing the tiny black toy. "Are you ready, my darling?" Riku said his line in his best heroic voice.

Sora opened his mouth to say his line-but then the little black creature sprang up straight into the air, hitting the ceiling before falling down onto Riku's head. Its head opened up to reveal jagged, fang-like pieces of clear plastic, which it used to latch itself onto Riku's hair.

Everyone was silent.

For about one second.

Then all hell broke loose.

"SHIT! SHIT CRAP FUCK DAMN SHIT GET THIS THING OFF MY HEAD RIGHT NOOOOWWW!!!" Riku yelled, running in circles around the living room and trying to shake the toy loose.

"Hold _still_, Riku! I'll get it off!" Sora dropped his stick and began chasing his friend around the room, trying to stop him.

"Axel! You didn't tell me it did that! CUT!" Roxas shouted, before running out to help.

"How am I supposed to know the thing had freakin' springs in its legs!? I'm coming, Roxas!" Axel switched the camera off and rushed out as well.

By now Riku was so panicked he'd begun whacking his head with his stick in order to try and dislodge the toy, screaming "IT'S FUCKING POSSESSED!" But it was stuck fast.

"Riku, hold still, dammit!" Roxas tried to grab him, but Riku simply danced out of the way, still shaking his head like a wet dog. The toy flailed around like a felt-covered club.

"THAT'S IT!" Sora ran at Riku, ducked under the toy, and, before the silver-haired boy could dodge out of the way, tackled him straight to the ground.

"This is probably gonna hurt," Axel muttered as he stepped forward and yanked the thing off Riku's head-along with a large section of his hair.

"YEEEEOOWWWCH! DAMMIT!" Riku screamed.

"Well, at least it's off," Axel said, tucking the toy back into his bag after shaking the hair out of its mouth.

Sora and Roxas breathed deep sighs of relief, and Sora moved off of Riku's back. "Sorry about that man, but…we had to get it off, you know?" He said quietly.

"My…my hair…" Riku sat up and picked at his silver locks. One large section of his hair now fell only to his shoulders, where as before his hair had gone down his back a short distance.

"It's OK. I mean…it'll grow back." Roxas didn't quite know what to say. He'd never seen anyone as sensitive about hair as Riku. Or use as many products in it. The guy looked about to cry. Even Axel wasn't that bad, and he spent hours in the morning spiking his hair with gel.

"But until then, you should cut it so it looks normal." Axel reached into the bag and pulled out a pair of scissors. (Don't ask.)

"NOOOO! I'LL NEVER CUT IT! NEVER!" Riku scurried back to the couch and hunched up against it, looking feral.

Axel sighed deeply. "Sora, Roxas, hold him down for me, will ya?"

The two nodded and leapt on top of Riku as one, Sora on his legs and Roxas holding his head down. Riku kicked, screamed, and howled, but nothing stopped Axel from coming closer with those scissors…

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"I can't believe you helped him do that," Riku said broodingly. He was on the edge of the bed now, staring into the mirror and playing with his now shoulder-length hair. It was late, and Axel and Roxas had long since gone home.

Sora leaned against the doorframe. "It's not that bad. Looks pretty cool, actually. I thought you were letting it get too long anyway."

Riku looked up at him. "Really?" He said softly. "I thought you liked my hair."

Sora blushed a furious red. "No, that's not what I meant! Riku, I like your hair any style. I'd like you even if you were bald. I was just trying to make you feel better."

"Thanks." Riku smiled slightly and flopped back on the bed, closing his eyes.

"Hey Riku?" Sora asked. "Before Roxas showed up, you were trying to tell me something? With those cryptic metaphors, remember?"

An icy eye cracked open and stared at Sora. "Yeah."

"What was it?"

"Oh, uh…" Riku sat up again. With all that had happened today, he'd completely forgotten about it. He wracked his mind for some way to tell the boy in front of him how he felt, but it was no use. He kept coming up blank.

Riku remembered all the good times he'd had with Sora. Play-fighting in the little park near their houses and playing Time Traveling and Heroes and Princesses with Kairi when they were little. Cutting classes by hopping the chain link fence around their middle school a few years later…and that time they got caught because Sora's pants caught on the metal and he'd screamed so loudly the principal came running out and had given them both detention. He remembered when Sora had come out to him in high school, when all the girls had crushes on him because he was hot and athletic (and taking advantage of it!) and on Sora too, because he was sweet and Riku's best friend and tutored in Algebra, the hardest subject of all. He remembered them rooming together in college, studying late at night, going to parties, meeting new people-Axel and Roxas, Leon and Cloud, Tifa.

Riku couldn't jeopardize that friendship. If Sora didn't love him back, things would get very awkward very quickly. Riku couldn't stand the thought of never talking to Sora again-of an uncomfortable look to his sweet face every time their eyes met. It would destroy him.

So he would continue to love Sora with all his heart and soul in secret. He'd never know. They'd forever be friends…but nothing more.

"I was just gonna ask you-" _THINK. _"-why all we have to eat is shrimp flavored Ramen."

_**Say you love me. Say you love me. Say you-aw, crap. **_"You needed cryptic metaphors for _that_?" Sora blinked a few times in confusion. "You're weird. It's because I thought you liked shrimp flavor. I do."

"Yeah, but we'll die of sodium poisoning or something if you keep buying only that."

"I could get mac and cheese or something next time I'm in the store."

Riku nodded, not meeting Sora's eyes. "Yeah…that'd be good."

"Well…night." Sora grabbed a few blankets from their tiny closet and went to go make up the couch for the night.

"Night." Riku laid back in the bed again and closed his eyes tight against the lump rising up in his throat.

_I love you._

_**I love you.**_

**THE END**

**Author's Note:**** I'm just kidding! You guys didn't REALLY think I'd end the story there, do you? Nah, I'm having too much fun. This Fic has become my baby. I love it. And I promise I will finish it. We still have (counts on fingers) two more chapters, an Epilogue, and a special surprise at the end for all my wonderful reviewers, so keep reading!**

**Yes, I know the ending there was a bit angsty, but I have known people in real life who've fallen in love with people they were close friends with, and decided not to tell them because they didn't want to ruin a great friendship. So I figured that since Sora and Riku are such close friends, something similar would be quite likely to happen to them. If it makes you feel better, this is probably all the angst that'll be in the whole story. We'll get right back to the funny in the next chapter!**

**The "fear me, I have a stick" line is from a Roxas avatar you can use on AdultFanFiction. I thought it was a funny line, so I used it here. Yay.**

**And no, I don't get some sort of kick out of torturing Riku. The story just happens that way. ^^**

**REVIEW CORNER**** Thanks for Reviewing:**

**Desiderium777**

**moon maiden of time**

**Yuri Chidori**

**NOW REVIEW!!! Or…something. I'm not legally allowed to threaten you. But please review.**

**Til next time-**

**YukaiChick**


	6. Chapter 6: The Landlord From Hell

**Author's Note:**** I spy, with my little blue eye…A brand-new chapter of "Riku and Sora Make a Porno!" Yaaaaayyy! :D**

**I got so many nice reviews for the last chapter. They all made me so incredibly happy. Thank you SO much to everyone who has reviewed this story, put it on Favorite Stories/Story Alert, put me on Favorite Authors/Author Alert, or just read it. Your support is what keeps me writing this incredibly weird little Fic. So thank you all again! (If I could give you all cookies or something, believe me, I would in an instant. Sadly, all you'll get is a little message from me expressing my undying gratitude.)**

**And if you haven't reviewed this Fic, please do. I'd love to hear what you have to say. And as always, no flames, only constructive criticism.**

**There is no lemon/lime in this chapter, so if you don't want to read the uncensored version of the story on AdultFanFiction, you don't have to. If you DO want to, it does contain humor I thought inappropriate for the "clean" version here, and the link to it can be found in my profile.**

**DEDICATION****: To everyone who has reviewed this story, put it on Favorite Stories/Story Alert, or put me on Favorite Authors/Author Alert. It's an honor I'm sure I don't deserve, and I couldn't do it without ya!**

**KEY****: Anything in **_italics_** is something Riku is thinking. Anything in **_**bold italics**_** is something Sora is thinking. Anything in bold is something multiple people are thinking at the same time.**

**DISCLAIMER****: …Damn. Thinking up ideas for this story is taking away from my ability to write a witty disclaimer. Grrr! Oh well, let's just settle for the standard "I-don't-own-'Kingdom-Hearts'-and-never-ever-ever-will," shall we?**

**OK, I'm done now. Read, enjoy, be merry, and all that stuff.**

**Chapter 6: The Landlord From Hell**

"OK, it's official. I'm out of ideas for scenes." Roxas slumped down in the armchair, idly scuffing at a mystery stain on the carpet with the toe of one checkered sneaker.

"No. Freaking. Way." Riku leaned over the counter separating the kitchen from the living room and stared hard at the blond, as if trying to catch him in a lie. "You've run out of ideas to humiliate and/or demean me on a tape that will be shown to the fat, lazy, perverted owner of some dingy little porn shop?"

"Yep." Roxas was still glaring at the carpet, as if the industrial gray material covering the apartment floor (with the exception of the kitchen) was responsible for his monumentally awful writer's block.

"…I don't believe it," said Riku. "I've gotta be dreaming. Sora, don't wake me up, OK?"

"You're terrible, Riku. Can't you see Roxas is upset?" As usual, those cerulean eyes staring into his and that adorable angry pout made Riku feel guilty enough to mutter "sorry" quickly before blushing horribly and turning away.

"That's it, Sora. You put ol' Rikee in his place." Axel smirked and got up from the couch to give Roxas a backrub.

"Knock it off, you guys; you're not helping…ooh, Axel, a little to the left…" Roxas sighed and relaxed into his boyfriend's touch, eyelids drooping.

"I still can't believe _you _have writer's block, Roxas." Sora stretched out on the floor, looking up at his friend. "I mean, you were the one who kept staying after in Writer's Workshop in college to pitch story ideas to the professor. I remember finally she kicked you out yelling that no one would ever want to read a book about an immortal vampire boy falling in love with a human girl."

"Yeah, well…in retrospect, I think I should've written that…mmm, keep going Axel…"

"I tried all night to give him inspiration. Really, I did." The lazy, cat-like smirk was back on Axel's face, which Riku knew could only mean trouble. "We made so much noise last night Larxene threw a steak knife at the door and yelled that she'd slaughter us in our beds and feed our blood to her goldfish if we didn't shut up. And I went as long as I could-."

"OKAY AXEL THAT'S GREAT THANKS PLEASE BE QUIET NOW," Sora shouted, looking afraid, disturbed, and nauseous all at the same time.

"Axel, really, what makes you think we want to hear this?" Riku looked incredulously at the redhead. "You're gonna give us nightmares."

"I don't know. Guess I'm just a bad person." Axel's smirk grew wider. "I already have a nice, hot place reserved at the Hotel of Hell anyway, so I don't really care."

There was silence for a while, save for Riku's foot tapping on the kitchen floor and Roxas's quiet murmuring as Axel massaged up his shoulders.

"Well, if you guys are really dead set on filming today..." Roxas said after a few minutes, cracking open one azure eye to gauge their reactions.

"I'm not," Riku said quickly.

"Riiiikuuuu, we need this," Sora gave him the puppy-dog look, his face all pouty bottom lip and big blue eyes.

Riku sighed. "Then I'm dead set on filming today."

"Then I guess we could play Truth or Dare, only without the Truth and with the most perverted, retarded dares we can think up, and we'll film it," Roxas finished.

"Yeah! The puppy dog look never fails!…Wait, what?" Sora stared at Roxas.

"I love it," said Axel, no doubt already thinking of ways to get Roxas naked and everyone else in a dress. "Roxy, you're a genius."

"I try."

"That's the STUPIDEST idea I've ever heard of!" Riku burst in. "This is just like _Jackass 2_, only stupider, because we're not college kids and we don't have any booze."

There was silence again as everyone thought about that. Finally…

"Let's do it!" Sora yelled, with way too much enthusiasm for someone who was about to embarrass himself on camera.

"Sorry Riku, majority rules." Axel went off to set up the camera, leaving Riku with images of the Cheshire Cat stuck in his head.

But Sora looked happy, and Riku would do anything in the world to make Sora happy, even if it meant doing unspeakably horrible things that a sober Axel had just made up for him on camera. So he sat on the living room floor next to his best friend and smiled, just enjoying being close to the brunet.

_I just know something bad is going to happen, though. All four of us in an apartment playing a college drinking game without the drinking…it's the freaking Apocalypse, dammit._

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Twenty minutes later, the camera had recorded some very strange and disturbing things.

Riku had been dared by Axel to put on makeup, which the redhead mysteriously had in the camera bag, probably for exactly that purpose. His face was now covered in lipstick, blush, eyeliner and eyeshadow, and tiny stick-on rhinestones that he was pretty sure were for girls' nails.

"You look cute, Riku," Sora had giggled, and immediately Riku felt slightly better about the whole thing.

"Yeah, really cute, Riku-_chan_," Axel smirked, and Riku was back to wanting to hurt something, preferably Axel's face.

Sora was then dared by Roxas to dance around the apartment singing "Shake It," by the new band _Metro Station_, which had been all over Twilight Town Radio recently. Even though Sora was completely tone-deaf and Riku was pretty sure all the fragile glass things within a ten-mile radius had broken from his singing, a certain part of the silver-haired boy's anatomy liked Sora's dance moves very, very much.

_Why does he have to keep shaking his ass right in front of my face!? And man, is Sora flexible. I bet no one else could flip off of the couch like that while shaking their butts. That's gotta be the thing I love most about him. …And damn those stretch pants! Damn them to heeelllll!!!!_

Luckily for Riku, Sora was too busy singing (if his high-pitched shrieking could be called that) and dancing to notice Riku's bodily problems, and Axel and Roxas were rolling around on the floor laughing so hard they were turning blue.

Sora finally finished, striking a pose worthy of any aspiring rock star…until he tripped over his own feet and landed in a heap of arms and legs next to the coffee table. "…Ow," he muttered, picking himself up. "Don't worry, I'm OK!"

"Oh…oh, gosh…Sora…dude…" Roxas gasped out, sitting up and wiping tears of mirth from his eyes. "That puts Kareoke Night at Tifa's place to shame. Remember when Cid had a few too many and started singing the _Titanic _theme song?"

"Don't quit your day job," Axel was still chuckling and shaking his head slightly.

"That was…interesting," Riku muttered. _Why do embarrassing manly problems always keep happening to ME!?_

Finally, Roxas punched Axel after the redhead dared his boyfriend to do a strip tease. Both Sora and Riku gaped, eyes wide, at the incredibly pissed-off Roxas and his now incapacitated boyfriend.

"Roxas, I don't think…" Sora started.

Riku clapped a hand over the brunet's mouth, furiously shaking his head.

"My _arm_…" Axel moaned.

After Roxas had calmed down and Axel's arm had recovered with the help of an ice pack and a few kisses from Roxas (to both Sora's and Riku's embarrassment) it was time for Axel's dare.

"I'll dare Axel!" Riku yelled, before Roxas could even open his mouth. _Finally! Revenge! Mwahaha… _"OK, Pyru, I want you to…uh…oh, I know! Go downstairs and steal Touru-san's bag. She's like, what, ninety? It shouldn't be _that_ hard."

"What the _hell_, Riku!?" Sora cried. "That's suicide and you know it! Her cats'll kill him! They nearly did before, after all. Now they've probably imprinted Axel's scent, or done some other creepy animal thing."

Roxas nodded. "Yeah, nothing dangerous is allowed. Pick another dare."

"Alright, I'll pick another dare." Riku folded his arms and smirked. "Guess Axel's too chicken for this one."

Riku could tell by the steely glint in Axel's emerald eyes and the tight clench of his jaw that the redhead wouldn't be turning the dare down. _Bingo. I got him now._

"I'll do it." Axel stood up and squared his shoulders. "Someone go get the camera and record this."

"No way, Axel!" Roxas leapt in front of him, throwing his arms out and refusing to let Axel pass. "You can't go into an apartment with twenty-seven psycho cats! They'll rip you to shreds!"

"Rox-."

"You don't need to prove anything to anyone! You're-."

Axel bent down and kissed Roxas hard on the lips, effectively shutting the blond up. "Let's go," he said, striding out into the hall past the stunned, blushing Roxas.

Axel yanked the hood of his black coat up over his head, covering the trademark red spikes and green cat-eyes so he wouldn't be recognized. Sora dragged the camera out into the hallway to record Axel's epic dare as the man crept quietly down the stairs and over to Touru-san's second-floor apartment, which was locked as usual.

Riku and Sora leaned over the second floor railing, holding their breaths and waiting nervously (in Sora's case) and eagerly with a touch of guilt (in Riku's case) to see what would happen. Roxas joined them a second later, biting at his lip and wrinkling his forehead in worry.

Axel knocked on the door. "Hello? Touru-san?" He called out.

"Who is it?" A rough, angry old voice yelled out from the depths of the apartment.

"Uh…Delivery!" Axel was quite obviously making stuff up as he went along.

Roxas face-palmed. "He's doomed."

"For what?" The old woman shouted back.

"Um, um…catnip?" Axel guessed.

Either Touru-san really was expecting an order of catnip, or was just curious about who was knocking at her door and wouldn't leave, because the door opened just a crack, enough for an angry brown eye and a bit of frizzy gray hair to peak out.

That was all Axel needed.

He slipped inside the apartment before the woman could even blink, and Riku, Sora, and Roxas could hear loud rustling and banging noises within as Axel searched for her purse. "C'mon, lady, where do you keep your bag?" They heard Axel yell. "I just need to borrow it for a minute, for a friend of mine who thinks he's a girl."

"He's so dead," Riku muttered angrily.

"Why, I never! You hooligan! Breaking into an old woman's home!" Touru-san shuffled away from her door, causing it to swing open and allowing everyone a full view of what was happening in the apartment within. "Kitties! Sic him!"

Cats instantly leapt from just about every available area in the apartment-the kitchen, the bathroom, the sinks, the cabinets, and even from between the couch cushions-and they all leapt upon Axel with the precise fury of a heat-seeking missile.

A very furry heat-seeking missile that made loud, high-pitched yowling noises.

And had very sharp claws and teeth.

"AGGGH! GET 'EM OFF ME! GET _OFF_!" Axel flailed around the apartment, swinging his arms and kicking his legs like a deranged show dancer, sending cats flying everywhere. His hood slipped off his head, showing his angry and slightly frightened face to the world. But whenever he managed to shake a cat off, it would simply get back to its feet, shake itself off, and leap back on him with a renewed fury.

On the landing above, Sora was hyperventilating. Riku was having a heart attack while wondering how they'd all get out of this one without a trip to the emergency room and possible police involvement. Roxas had gone deathly pale, his sky blue eyes as huge as saucers in his face.

And before Sora or Riku could do anything, the blond had vaulted over the third floor landing, screaming, "I'LL SAVE YOU, AX!" He landed in a tight crouch on the third floor and dived into the apartment like a monochrome bullet, practically ripping cats off of his boyfriend.

"Another one!?" Touru-san shrieked. "You two are in some sort of gang that gets off on robbing poor, helpless old ladies, aren't'cha? Shame on you! I won't stand for it!" Touru-san shuffled to the refrigerator and pulled out a little black purse, which she then proceeded to whack at Axel and Roxas with while screaming "Help! Someone call the police! I'm being robbed by deranged maniacs!"

However, Touru-san's feeble hits with the bag didn't seem to be hurting the boys, who were ignoring her in favor of the much more dangerous cats.

The noise of the cats yowling, Axel and Roxas yelling, and Touru-san shrieking had alerted what seemed like the entire apartment building to what was going on. Doors were flying open and a few people were coming out onto the landings to witness the spectacle. Some were in shock, some were in horror, some were in shock _and _horror, and most were cheering on either Axel and Roxas or Touru-san.

"Riku! We gotta go help them!" Sora cried. He made to jump the railing like Roxas had done, but Riku held him back by his hoodie.

"Are you _nuts_, Sora!? We'll get shredded too! We have to call someone…Pest Control…or…"

"We have to get _down_ there!" Sora was struggling against Riku with renewed fervor, and the silver-haired boy was forced to grab him around the waist in order to keep him from leaping after Axel and Roxas. _Damn. I can't believe this is arousing me even during a crisis._

"Cool! Old Lady Touru's finally lost it!" Xigbar Akira, who lived a floor above Riku and Sora, threw open his door and ran out onto the landing. Close behind him was his roommate, Luxord Hirano.

"Aw, man!" Xigbar yelled. His long brown hair, liberally streaked with silver, was tied into a thin ponytail that flew out over the railing as he leaned over. "Looks like that little blond dude and Red are under some intense pressure there! This is so radical!"

"Hey, Riku, mate." Luxord, who had lived in Neverland as a college student long enough to pick up the English accent, stared down at the floor below, where Riku was practically lying on top of Sora in order to keep him from jumping down. "Are you wearing makeup?"

"Fuck off, Hirano!" Riku yelled. He was half flushed with adrenaline and half incredibly aroused at how close he was to Sora. He was in no mood to chat with the tricky owner of Twilight Town's single, tiny, practically bankrupt casino.

"Well, now, chap, if I'd known you were a transvestite I would've invited you to perform down at the casino! You should really tell people this sort of thing; it was a huge moneymaker back in Neverland." Luxord had on a smirk that would put Axel to shame, and Xigbar had burst into hysterics.

"Both of you are…dead….Sora, knock it off! You can't go down there!"

_**I don't know whether to be happy that he's so concerned for me or just kick his ass for not going to help Axel and Roxas.**_ Sora continued trying to wriggle out of Riku's grasp with renewed fervor.

"Hey!" Axel swiped at a grey tomcat clawing its way up his leg that had just torn a huge chunk out of his coat. "That cost $29.95 at Target!"

"What is going on here?" The voice was quiet, rich and deep, but as silky and smooth as poison. And like poison, it flowed all through the apartment so that everyone heard it, infiltrating each and every nook and cranny.

Instantly everyone was back in their apartments, the echoes of doors slamming sounding throughout the whole building. Xigbar and Luxord practically tripped over each other in their haste to get back inside. The cats instantly abandoned Axel and Roxas and vanished into Touru-san's apartment. The couple collapsed in a heap on top of each other in shock and relief outside the apartment door.

"Let that be a lesson to the both of you!" Touru-san whacked each of them on the head one last time with her purse, then went into her apartment, slamming the door behind her.

Sora instantly went limp and fell out of Riku's arms onto the landing. Riku was so shocked that he sank down onto the floor next to his best friend. Both boys stared with wide-eyed horror at the man who'd just walked into the apartment building, still framed in a square of light from the lobby door.

Finally, Sora managed to speak in a hoarse whisper.

"Xemnas…"

Xemnas Arai, otherwise known as "the laziest shit in the entire Universe," (if you were Sora) or "Satan incarnate" (if you were Riku) was standing in the entryway of the apartment building. He'd obviously stopped by, at the absolute worst possible time, for one of his infrequent yet mandatory building inspections. And he looked immaculately perfect, as usual, in a black suit, white shirt, and red silk tie that were perfectly creased and pressed, without even the tiniest speck of dust or dirt anywhere. His shoes were so shiny that Riku bet he could see his reflection in them, and his hair fell sleekly down his back, not a single silver lock out of place.

Xemnnas also looked incredibly pissed off, as it seemed the plants in the lobby were dying right before Riku's eyes from the intensity of the man's amber-gold gaze.

"Now," Xemnas drawled the world out lazily, letting it echo in the building's eerie silence. "What's been going on here?" He climbed the stairs, his shoes clunking loudly against the scuffed, scarred wood, until he was standing right in front of Axel and Roxas.

Riku was pretty sure he could see Roxas muttering the Lord's Prayer under his breath, which was definitely a first for the usually fearless boy.

"Arai-san? That you?" Touru-san yelled from inside the apartment.

"Yes, Madame Touru, it is indeed I," Xemnas answered. "I don't suppose you'd be kind enough to tell me why, when I come in for a building inspection, I find everyone in the apartment egging on what appeared in my eyes to be an illegal animal-fighting show?"

"_Animal fighting_!? That crazy bitch sicced her animals-!"

"Quiet, boy, or I shall call the police." Xemnas hissed angrily, and Axel shut up.

"Self-defense, Arai-san!" Touru-san shouted again. "Those two crazy boys outside broke into my apartment and tried to steal my purse! I can't help it if my cats attack them. They were causing such a ruckus…they even woke up poor Mr. Snugglepoo, and he's got an ear infection-."

"Thank you, Madame Touru," Xemnas silkily cut her off. "I will take care of the matter immediately." He stared down at Axel and Roxas with the wrath of the heavens in his amber eyes.

"Much obliged!" Touru-san said cheerfully. Then all was quiet.

"So." Xemnas crossed his arms, the frown deepening in his tanned face. "The two of you were causing a ruckus in _my _apartment building. You have disturbed the peace, upset an elderly woman and her cats, and caused property damage. So what shall I do to punish you?"

"There wasn't any property damage!" Roxas cried.

Xemnas's eyes narrowed to golden slits in his tanned face, and he pulled a tiny silver Swiss Army knife from his pants pocket. He moved to the wall and, in one swift motion, flipped out the tiny blade and slit the old, faded wallpaper down the middle, causing it to fall to the floor in two curled, yellowed pieces.

"Property damage," he said softly.

Riku was beginning to get scared now. Xemnas owned their apartment and was just plain creepy, really. _Well, I guess as long as everyone doesn't move, nods when he talks, and no one talks back to him, it'll be OK- _

Then Sora spoke, his words ringing out over the whole building. "You leave them alone! You almost never come in here, and when you do, it's only to bully our friends! Fuck off, Xemnas!"

_-Fuck._ _We're dead. _Riku began to fervently pray this was all a dream. Maybe, if he was really lucky, Sora would start taking his clothes off.

Xemnas looked up above at the landing, smirking like a cat that had just cornered its prey, and now an extremely bloody, painful death was imminent. "Ah," he grinned. "Sora Aoyagi and Riku Agatsuma. I should have known the two of _you_ would be involved in this somehow."

Sora growled slightly, a furious storm brewing in his cerulean eyes as he got to his feet. Riku scrambled up behind him. "Sora…" he hissed, grabbing his friend's arm.

"The two of you are three weeks behind in your rent payments." Xemnas brushed an imaginary speck of dust off his shoulder, not even bothering to look at Riku and Sora. "And might I remind you two that cookies do not count as money in any province of Twilight Town, and are therefore not accepted by me as rent money."

"What?!" Riku hissed in Sora's ear, spinning the brunet around to face him. "You sent Xemnas _cookies _as our rent!?"

"Well…the movie was dragging on longer than I thought it would, and we didn't have enough money for that week." Sora blushed and gave him a sheepish grin. "I figured it couldn't hurt, right?"

Riku could have cried with frustration.

"And I believe I recognize you two troublemakers now." Lip curling, Xemnas turned back to Axel and Roxas, who were still lying in a lump on the floor. "Axel Pyru and Roxas Nomura, correct?" He didn't wait for an answer. "You two have been the source of a total of sixty-four complaints from a Ms. Larxene Sayo, who I believe lives across the hall from you, for making loud noises in your apartment at all hours of the night."

Both Axel and Roxas gaped in shock, eyes wide.

"How-how did _you_ know?" Axel asked, after finally regaining control of his mouth.

"My brother Ansem and I own your apartment building jointly," Xemnas calmly explained. "Although he is technically your landlord, we both pay for your building's upkeep, and he keeps me up to date on all the residents' activities there. And I believe I am now well within my rights to evict the both of you for disturbing the peace in two different apartment buildings."

Axel's and Roxas's eyes got, if possible, even wider. It seemed neither of them was able to talk, though Axel's mouth was flapping open and closed like a fish's.

"You-you can't _do _that…" Sora whispered, looking horrified.

"I believe I can, Mr. Aoyagi." Xemnas looked up at Sora and Riku again with a positively evil smile. "And I am evicting both you and Mr. Agatsuma as well, for being late on your rent payments. I feel that I can rent your apartment out to a…worthier person."

Xemnas turned and briskly walked down the stairs and into the lobby without so much as a glance back. He paused for a moment at the door and shouted, "I'll be back in two hours for my building inspection, and I expect to find all four of you and your things out of your respective apartments by then. Or believe me, I shall call the police."

With that, Xemnas left, leaving Sora, Riku, Axel, and Roxas to stare after him, not moving or even blinking. They were all thinking the same thing.

**We're in some deep shit now.**

**Author's Note****: Well, it's done. A chapter that's way longer than I intended it to be, a plot twist I bet none of you saw coming (^_^), and a sorry excuse for a cliffhanger at the end. And all before midnight, too. I feel like SuperAuthor now.**

**Cookies to everyone who caught the ****Twilight**** reference in this chapter, and to anyone who can guess why Axel and Roxas were so noisy…heh heh…**

**REVIEW CORNER ****Thanks for Reviewing: **CrystalWildFyr, moon maiden of time, ccuddles, Kyuuten-syx, Kanpa, Azon Hikari, Night's Mirth, xXxSmidgexXx, fentonfan, The-Written-Rhapsody

**See the little review button down at the bottom there? It's sad. Click it and you will make it (and me) very very happy.**

**-YukaiChick-**


	7. Chapter 7: Dammit, I Love You!

**Author's Note****: I can't believe we're nearly at the end of the story here! I can't believe I'm actually going to finish a story! But in all seriousness here folks, this is the last actual chapter of "Riku and Sora Make a Porno." After this there's just the epilogue, and a special surprise addendum chapter for all my amazingly amazing reviewers.**

**I'm sorry this took so long to post. Life was just being…you know…life-y.**

**I LOVE ALL OF MY AWESOME, AWESOME REVIEWERS. Thanks so much, you guys! Your reviews made me laugh, cry, squee, squeal, and jump for joy. They reminded me that people are still reading this Fic, so I should get off my lazy ass and get the next chapter up before someone eggs my house. So thanks, everyone, and keep those reviews coming!**

**LEMON ALERT!!!! That's right, I finally did it! Your patience has paid off! The uncensored version of this story on has a bona-fide lemon in it. If you want to read the lemon (it's not here on FanFiction, this is the "clean" version because FanFiction technically doesn't allow lemons) then you can find the link in my profile. Just keep scrolling through, you'll get to it eventually.**

**DEDICATION****: To **Krystal**, because neither of us ever thought I'd actually write a lemon. Or get a FanFiction account. Or write a story that would eventually get all these awesome reviews. But I proved her wrong, so ha! :P (I love you, Krys.)**

**DISCLAIMER****: If I say yes, what will happen? …Oh. That doesn't look at all pleasant…In that case, NO. I OWN NOTHING. (please don't hurt meee…)**

**KEY****: Anything in **_italics_** is something Riku is thinking. Anything in **_**bold italics**_** is something Sora is thinking. Anything in bold is something multiple people are thinking at the same time. **

**And now, I proudly present to you…The chapter I'm pretty sure you've all been waiting for.**

**Chapter Seven: Dammit, I Love You!**

"Riku, where are we going to sleep?"

Riku dragged over two rotten old crates, one of which still had the logo of a sea salt ice cream company visible on its side. The other had several old and rusty nails poking through the top. Both crates were missing several planks and smelled like a nasty combination of week-old garbage and dog piss. _Gods. I hope somebody brought nose plugs. And I REALLY hope everyone's up to date on their tetanus shots…_

"Home sweet home," Riku said, a touch of anger in his voice. He gestured at his sad-looking excuse for a makeshift shelter, ice blue eyes narrowed.

"But…what if someone has to pee?" Sora looked at their new "home" with a mixture of shock, distaste, and horror. But mostly the horror part.

Riku pointed to a small hole in the ground about two feet from their old crates. "Bathroom sweet bathroom."

"You do realize, of course, that this is all your fault. Right, _Rikee_?" Axel poked his spiky scarlet head out from underneath his and Roxas's elaborately constructed shelter of soggy cardboard boxes covered with an old tarp. His emerald eyes narrowed at the silver-haired boy. "If you hadn't given me that half-assed dare, I wouldn't have been attacked by those crazy cats, and then your _retarded_ landlord wouldn't have kicked us all out of our apartments."

"Don't you fucking _dare_ try to pin this all on me, Pyru!" Riku spat. "Everyone knows full well you didn't have to take that dare, but _no_, you just _had_ to prove something, didn't you?"

Sora grabbed the back of Riku's shirt to keep him from jumping the redhead. "Riku, seriously, just calm down," he hissed. "That stray dog over there's looking at us, and I think it might be feral."

"Not like you got the guts to do anything anyways, Agatsuma," Axel sneered, and Sora practically fell on top of Riku to keep him from charging into a fight.

"Look, everyone just knock it off!" Roxas shoved Axel aside and stuck his head out as well, looking extremely annoyed. "I know everyone's pissed because the bank was closed and we couldn't get any cash-."

"Not like having money would even help us right now anyway." Riku, apparently having a strange fit of bipolar, slumped down with a loud, depressed sigh, allowing Sora to release him. All the fight seemed to have been drained out of him. "We only have enough cash left to get train tickets right back home to Mom and Dad."

"Well, we could've at least gotten money to stay in a hotel tonight," Roxas muttered. "But _of course _the only ATM machine in town just _had _to get vandalized beyond repair by a drunken hobo, today of all days." He disappeared back under the ratty gray tarp, muttering random curse words under his breath.

"Roxy…don't be like that…" Axel reached an arm under the tarp, patting his boyfriend awkwardly on the shoulder. "I mean, so what if we're spending the night underneath some pieces of crap in the lot behind the garage where the garbage gets dumped on Mondays? It could be worse."

"Oh, really? How, Axel? Please tell me how this could _possibly_ get any worse," Roxas bit out sarcastically.

"Well, at least we still have all our stuff." Axel waved a long arm at the various suitcases and bags surrounding the group in a haphazard circle. "And, uh…nobody's dead, right?"

"I can't believe I'm still dating you." There was a slight fluttering of the tarp as Roxas shifted around unhappily in the cramped shelter.

"I still can't really believe you guys actually got kicked out," said Sora. "I mean, Xemnas is a bastard, but I never thought he'd actually evict people who weren't in a building completely under his control."

"Yeah, well, not everyone's as great and noble as you think they are, Sora," Roxas said darkly, sticking his head back out in an attempt to get more comfortable. "When we got to our apartment, there was an eviction notice on the door signed by our landlord. We couldn't believe it at first…Axel spent nearly half an hour holding it up to the light to see if it was genuine…"

"Larxene was practically having a party across the hall," Axel spat. He then muttered a string of swear words in what sounded like Spanish, but no one could ever really tell with Axel.

"Look, maybe we should all just get some sleep," Sora said, still optimistic to the point where it sort of scared his friends. "I'm sure things will be better in the morning. I mean, at least it'll be warmer out here when the sun's up, right?"

"But in the morning we'll have no breakfast and we'll get attacked by Twilight Town's rabid stray animals," Riku yelled. He was now crouched a little ways off from the others, pretending to pout but really just checking out Sora's ass from a distance.

"Come on Riku, knock it off and let's get under the crates now," Sora yelled, as Axel and Roxas mumbled vague "good-nights" and stuck their own heads back under their shelter.

And so Riku and Sora began the long, arduous process known as fitting two full-grown male bodies underneath two medium-sized old crates. This is a task usually only attempted by Olympic gymnasts, and so was doubly difficult for the two boys, who could not be called gymnasts by any stretch of the imagination. Sora in fact held an unofficial Twilight Town record for Most Fragile Objects Broken By Accident in One Lifetime So Far.

"Ow! Riku, your elbow is in my nose! I can't _breathe_…"

"Well, I'll move my elbow if you stop poking my eye out with your hair."

"Holy _crap_. It smells like shit under here. You didn't happen to…y'know…fart in here, did you?"

"…No."

"I can't _move_."

"Neither can I. Deal with it."

Riku thought the only positive side to sleeping underneath crates with rusty nails in them, and which a dog had probably used as a bathroom at some point or another, was that he was pressed close against Sora. In that tight, airless space there was no room to turn over, so he and Sora lay side by side on their backs, gazing up at the rotted wood planks of their shelter. Riku could feel every curve of Sora's body against his own, and those narrow hips rounding out into firm calves felt like absolute bliss to him. He would have thought that he'd died and gone to heaven, except for the stench. It probably didn't smell this bad in heaven.

"…Riku?"

"What?" Riku turned his head a fraction of an inch to look at Sora, because it had sounded to him for a minute like the brunet had been _crying_ when he spoke…

Oh shit. He _was_ crying.

"Sora…seriously, dude, calm down. It'll-it'll be OK. It'll all work out, you'll see. Just…don't cry…" Great. Simply fucking great. Now Riku felt like crying too. He hadn't felt this close to panic throughout the entire day. Not when they'd lost the apartment, not when they'd realized they were all penniless at the moment, not even when they'd decided to spend the night in the lot behind the town dump had he panicked. But now…now Sora, the eternal optimist, the ray of light in everyone's lives, the boy who made every sad person he talked to feel a little better just by saying "Hello" to them…now he was crying like he'd lost all hope. So now Riku felt like he was lost in a pitch-black cave without a flashlight. He had no idea how to make the love of his life feel better.

"It's just…" Sora turned his head a little so his tears would run onto the sleeve of his hoodie. He hiccuped slightly. "I…don't know what we're gonna do now. I mean, we have no money, we have to go back to our parents…who knows how long it'll take us to find new jobs? What if we each end up finding different work far away, and we go off separately and…" sniffle "never see each other again?"

"No!" Riku couldn't move to grab Sora's arm, but he clenched his hands into tight fists and stared at the brunet as hard as he could, hoping his message would get across anyway. "Sora, I _will not _let that happen. You and I are going to stay together always."

Sniff. Watery cerulean blue eyes were turned towards him. "How can you be so sure?"

"Because…" Riku really had no idea what to say, so he just opened his mouth and started talking, letting the words flow freely. "Because you're everything to me, Sora. You're my best friend, the person I've spent every day with since I was a kid. I just can't imagine living without you. You're the most incredible person I've ever met, and I don't think I could've made it through high school or college or _anything_ without you. And…and…dammit, Sora, I love you!"

Riku's eyes widened. His mouth dropped open in horror. _Oh shit. Oh shit oh shit oh shit. I hadn't meant for THAT to come out…_

Sora stopped crying almost immediately. A few remaining tears sparkled like raindrops in those deep blue eyes, which widened as he stared at Riku. _**He…loves me? R-really…?**_

Riku turned his head back to the rotting crates, closing his eyes tightly. He didn't want to see the look of shock and revulsion that he was sure was etched into his best friend's face at his confession. Without even realizing it, more words spilled from his mouth, until Riku was practically babbling. "I didn't mean it like that, Sora! I'm sorry, I'm sorry! That came out all wrong!"

"Riku," Sora whispered the name like it was a wish, a prayer, a dream. And to him, it was all those things. The silver-haired boy's name was the most beautiful word in existence. No other could come even close.

"I don't wanna lose you! I can't lose you! Just forget I said anything!" Tears were starting to prick at the corners of Riku's own eyes now, but he couldn't do anything about it except squeeze them more tightly shut and hope he didn't start bawling.

"Riku," Sora said a bit louder now, a smile playing around the edges of his lips.

"Please don't move away from me, Sora! I promise I won't even talk to you if you don't want me to, but as long as I can at least still see you around on the street it'll be OK. You won't even know I'm there if you don't want to see me, honest!"

"Riku," Sora said a little louder now, the smile turning into a confused frown.

"I'm such an idiot! Such a fucking idiot! I can't believe I'd wreck the best friendship I ever had like this! So stupid…"

"RIKU!" Sora yelled in his ear.

"I know, I know! You hate me now!" Riku wailed, turning his head half an inch farther away from Sora.

Sora sighed. Really, Riku could be quite stupid at times.

So he took the silver-haired boy's chin and gently turned his pale face back towards his own. Then, Sora kissed him.

Icy eyes widened in shock. _I've gotta be dreaming. A stray animal must've ripped out my jugular and now I've passed out on the ground from blood loss, because there is NO WAY this is really happening._

Sora ran his tongue insistently along Riku's lower lip, and the boy took the hint and opened his mouth, allowing the brunet's tongue to slip in and trace gently, lovingly over Riku's smooth white teeth, then curl around the base of his throat. Riku tasted like mint and honey to him, mixed together in just the right combination for perfect kissing bliss.

Riku then dived into Sora's mouth, kissing the boy's lips as greedily as a thirsty man in the desert would drink a cup of water. His own tongue explored every inch of Sora's mouth, loving that he tasted like sea salt ice cream on a hot summer day. His hands moved up to Sora's spiky cinnamon hair, running insistently through the locks as if trying to memorize every last strand.

Finally, the two boys broke apart for air, gasping slightly. Sora curled into Riku's chest, gently nuzzling at the older boy. "I love you too, idiot," he said quietly. "I've always loved you, ever since high school when I saw you in the boys' locker room with your shirt off. You're perfect Riku, absolutely perfect. I'd never leave you."

Riku dropped his own head into Sora's hair, nuzzling him as well. "Sora," he whispered. "Thank you so much. This is just so amazing…is this really happening, or am I dreaming?"

Sora moved his hand a little and pinched Riku's thigh.

"Ow!" Riku hissed. "That hurt. OK, fine then, I'm not dreaming." He reached down for another kiss. "Good."

"But I don't understand," said Sora. "I thought you still liked Olette? Why this sudden attraction to me now?"

Riku smiled slightly. "Sora, Sora Sora," he laughed. "You're so naïve. I haven't liked Olette for a long time now. I just didn't want to cave on making the porno in front of Axel. He never would've let me live it down. Not to mention, that damn pyro has a shitload of a blackmail material on me anyway. Bastard…"

"You don't regret it, do you? Making the porno, I mean." Sora looked up at Riku with big, worried eyes.

"Nah, not really. It let me see you in a lot of interesting positions, so I'm grateful." Riku reached down and stroked Sora's rear, causing the brunet to squeak and curl up a little tighter.

"Riku…" Sora muttered, blushing furiously. "Give a guy some warning, will ya?"

"Sora, do you know how long I've wanted you?" Riku gazed into the younger boy's eyes with deep longing and affection…and lust. "I've spent just about every night dreaming about taking you. It was driving me crazy."

"I dreamed about stealing your underwear," Sora muttered.

"What?"

"Nothing," Sora grinned innocently up at Riku, inadvertently turning him on even more. "I meant, let's not wait anymore. I've wanted you too, Riku, so let's just do it."

Riku smirked, and with one heave of his back, threw the crates clear off of him and Sora. The cool, fresh night air swept over them, teasing their hair around their faces, and above them, the night sky was filled with a million stars.

Riku climbed on top of Sora, straddling his waist, and began to kiss hungrily around the base of his neck. "Are you ready?" He whispered.

**MEANWHILE…**

"Wow," Axel said, eyes wide in shock. "They're really…loud."

"They sure are," Roxas nodded in agreement. "I didn't even want to know Sora could make those noises."

"To be honest though, I didn't know either of them swung that way," said Axel. "I mean, I could maybe see Riku as gay; he's really girly, but I always thought Sora at least was straight…"

"It's about damn time," Roxas grunted.

"Yeah…Wait, what?" Axel turned over to face the blond, confusion written all over his face. "You…you _knew_? This whole time? That Sora and Riku…were…" The redhead made a complicated gesture obviously meant to convey romantic interest, but only Roxas would have been able to decipher its meaning.

"Well, wasn't it obvious?" Roxas smirked at his boyfriend. "The way they kept _looking_ at each other, and they were always practically joined at the hip. It was so incredibly obvious. I can't believe _you _didn't notice."

"So…this whole porno thing…"

"Oh, I never intended to actually win anything in the contest. It was just a ruse to get Sora and Riku together."

"You tricky little minx," Axel laughed, lightly whacking Roxas on the head. "Why didn't you tell me, at least?"

"'Cause you would've opened your big mouth and told them, of course. Dumbass," Roxas grinned, playfully punching Axel in the arm in return.

"I don't know about you, but the noises those two are making are really turning me on," Axel smirked widely at the blond. "You wanna?"

Roxas smirked back. "Eh, why not?"

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

The next morning, Sora and Riku awoke to a strange man peering down at their half-clothed bodies with extreme confusion.

"HOLY SHIT!" Sora yelled, scrambling up and away from the intruder. "What the hell?! Not cool man, not cool!" He furiously started to do up his belts while glaring up at the man.

"Uh…who ARE you, and why are you in a dump?" Riku asked, rubbing at sleep-clouded eyes. "Garbage day isn't for another two days…you're not a hobo, are you?"

The man in question narrowed piercing midnight-blue eyes at the two boys. He was a rather strange-looking man, dressed in very tight jeans, lime-green sneakers, and a tight black T-shirt with an elegant pink flower silk-screened on the front. He had a sharp, angular face that made him look exotic, as if he was from a far-away land, and which was framed by wild, wavy, shoulder-length locks of pink hair.

"No," the pink-haired man said. "I am not a hobo. I am Marluxia Sakura, owner of the adult video store _YAOI_ on Station Heights. I visited an apartment building on Back Alley and was told I would find Mr. Sora Aoyagi and Mr. Riku Agatsuma here. Would you two be them?"

"Yeah, we're Sora and Riku…are you a transsexual or a crossdresser or something?" Sora asked, gazing at Marluxia's pink hair in shock.

Marluxia's eye twitched slightly, and his mouth narrowed into a tight, thin line. "I'm leaving now," he said, turning sharply on his heel.

"Hang on a sec!" Riku leapt to his feet and grabbed Marluxia's arm. "What did you want to tell us?"

"Well." Marluxia slowly turned back around and glared at Riku. "I _was _going to tell you about the results of your pornography tape in my store's recent video contest, but now I don't think-."

_…Huh? Someone gave our tape to this guy? Uh-oh, I gotta hear this. _"No, wait! Tell us! He's sorry! He didn't mean it!" Riku cried, gesturing wildly in Sora's direction.

"I'm sorry!" Sora said, getting to his feet and going to Riku's side. The silver-haired boy gripped his hand tightly. "I'm really, really sorry, Sakura-san. Could you please just tell us about our video?"

"Alright, alright! Fine," Marluxia held his hands up in a gesture of defeat. "Your friend Axel dropped your tape off at my video store yesterday afternoon. We reviewed it, and it was surprisingly good. For something that was made by amateurs, that is. As an experiment, we put it out on shelves for customers to buy and ran a fifteen-minute clip of it on our in-store TVs. And the tapes just flew off the shelves! Everyone who saw the clip seemed to think it was funny. A few of them even passed out from laughing so hard, and we had to call an ambulance…But that aside, it was a surprisingly profitable day for my store. So on behalf of everyone at _YAOI_, I would like to thank you for your contest entry, and I'm here to tell you that your entry has won first prize."

Sora and Riku stared at Marluxia, mouths wide open. A little drool was coming out of Riku's open mouth, but the boy didn't even notice in his shock. "Are…are you _serious_?" Sora finally managed to choke out.

"Hey, what's going on out here…oh! Marly!" Axel wriggled out from underneath his and Roxas's shelter and went over to Marluxia. "What're you doing here so early?"

"Well, Axel, I wanted to tell you that-."

"Lemme guess. Our movie is a freaking huge success and everyone loves it." Axel smirked. "I knew it."

"Axel, when did you have time to drop the tape off? Last I remember, we were all being evicted yesterday," Riku demanded, glaring at the redhead.

"Do you know Marluxia?" Sora asked.

"Great questions," said Axel, smirk growing wider. "Glad to see you're all paying attention. Yeah, I dropped the tape off yesterday. I did a few last-minute edits while Roxas was busy throwing everything we owned into a bunch of suitcases. Then I went to look for another ATM that was actually working, and I dropped the tape off.

"And Marly here? Yeah, I know him. His shop is where I get-."

"Axel, if you finish that sentence, I am going to find the nearest heavy object and club you to death with it," Riku snarled.

"You were all evicted yesterday? _That's_ why you're in the dump? Oh my," said Marluxia.

"Why'd you think we were here? Because we like the smell?" Riku muttered.

"I think I can help you though," Marluxia continued, and everyone's eyes snapped straight to him. "I'd be willing to pay all four of you a certain amount of money each month in return for allowing me to keep your movie on my shelves. It might be enough to help you get back on your feet." Marluxia pulled a slip of paper out of his pants pocket. "How does this amount sound for now?"

"Are you freakin' _serious_!?" Riku gasped.

"That's, like, more money than I made in ever!" Sora cried.

"Sweet," Axel grinned.

"Well, alright then," Marluxia handed the paper to Sora and turned to go. "I can meet you later in my shop to discuss the details."

"Bye," They all chorused as the pink-haired man left.

"WOOHOO!" Riku yelled, jumping in the air and punching a fist at the sky.

"Yeah! We don't have to live in the dump!" Sora said happily, leaping around in circles.

"I gotta go wake up Roxas!" Axel said, smiling for real for once. He dived back under the tarp with a loud cry of "ROXY!" practically destroying his entire shelter in the process.

"Get over here, you," Riku called, reaching out to grab the bouncing Sora in a fierce embrace.

As the two shared another kiss, Riku thought that perhaps Roxas's ideas weren't so bad after all. And Sora's baggy pants were a very, very good thing, of course. And that whoever had invented Keyblades and butt-capes should be gifted with the Nobel Peace Prize, and should be knighted and allowed to live out the rest of his days on a sprawling, million-dollar chocobo ranch.

_I never thought I'd think this, but…Thank the gods for porn!_

**Author's Note****: The epilogue's coming up next! (Yaaaayy…)**

**I apologize for any OOC-ness. I tried really hard to keep them in character, but SOMEONE needed to cry in this chapter, and I thought it would be too weird if Riku started bawling. **

**This chapter took me a really long time to write. It was one of those things that just WOULD NOT end, so I had to keep writing until it did. As of now, it's almost 11 PM and I'm really, really tired. (-_-)**

**So if you like this story, please please please REVIEW! I worked really hard on it, and I'd love to hear from you. If you want to criticize me, please tell me where and how I can improve. NO FLAMES, PLEASE.**

**REVIEW CORNER****: Thanks for Reviewing: **Emerald Moonrose, shipet100, The-Written-Rhapsody, Night's Mirth, moon maiden of time, xXxSmidgexXx, Tori, Kanpa, Naïve-Symphony, Yuri Chidori, Twinstar1, Saruvi

**I also apologize if I didn't reply back to your review. Life's been kind of hectic for me lately, and I've got a funny feeling I didn't reply to all the reviews this time around. Basically, if you reviewed, THANK YOU, I'm sorry if I didn't reply, and your review still made me very happy.**

**Until next time…**

**-YukaiChick-**


	8. Epilogue: All's Well That Ends Well

**Author's Note****: First of all, I'm really sorry this took so long to get out. I had a million things going on with school and work, and very little time to write. But now that school and my final exams are over, I have two whole months until college starts for writing…so look forward to lots of stuff from me with relatively quick updates! Yay!**

**Once again everyone, thanks for the AWESOME reviews. I love you all so much! If you haven't reviewed yet, please do! After this epilogue I'm only writing the special addendum chapter for you, my amazing and awesome reviewers. So you're running out of opportunities to tell me what you thought. And as always, no flames. If you want to tell me something I did wrong, just tell me and don't be nasty about it.**

**There are no lemons in the Epilogue, but the Uncensored version does contain some dialogue I thought inappropriate for the Censored version of my story here on FanFiction. So if you want to read the Uncensored version-again, you don't have to-the link is in my profile.**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own "Kingdom Hearts." That belongs to Tetsuya Nomura, Square Enix, and Disney. However, I DO own a nice, spiffy laptop!**

**DEDICATION: For everyone who's stuck with this story from the very beginning. Thank you so much, I couldn't have done it without you!**

**KEY: Anything in **_italics_**is something Riku is thinking. Anything in _bold italics_ is something Sora is thinking. Anything in bold is something multiple people are thinking at the same time.**

**OK, here you go!**

**Epilogue: All's Well That Ends Well**

It seemed Sora, Riku, Axel, and Roxas were destined to go down in history as success stories in that rare group of people who got rich off selling sex videos to horny young men and women. Axel was also happy that their movie had, simply by being porn, contributed to the de-valuing of any remaining morals humanity might still have wanted to pass on to its children. As he said one lazy evening in Tifa's bar, "I feel so accomplished now. My life finally has meaning!"

Their porn movie was successful beyond even Marluxia's expectations. It sold out for three months in a row, and _YAOI_ became one of the most frequented shops on Station Heights. Although sales slowed down after the first few months, it remained one of Marluxia's top sellers. And it still had occasional bursts of extreme popularity where it sold out, usually around Christmastime for some reason or another. Although Riku wished the customers who bought the movie would stop laughing so hard that they were red in the face for several minutes after buying the movie, even he couldn't complain when profits rolled in for the group.

Sora and Riku bought a nice new apartment in Twilight Town's classy Manor District, and their landlord was a cheerful old man named Merlin who cooked them breakfast every now and then. The apartment still only had one bed, but that wasn't a problem for the two anymore. On the contrary, it was actually a bonus, since it offered more opportunities for cuddling at night. Since they weren't making quite enough money from their movie to be able to live without working at all, Sora used some of their new cash to pull a few strings and ended up working as a cashier at the supermarket with Leon and Cloud. He threatened to withhold sex if Riku was lazy and stayed at home drinking all day, so the silver-haired boy got a job selling flowers with Aerith Gainsborough outside Twilight Town's decrepit old manor house. He wasn't too thrilled about being a flower seller at first, but after he found out that his job was less flower selling and more keeping away Aerith's crazy stalkers that just didn't understand that no meant no, he was happy. Looking tough and scaring creepy punks away from a nice flower-selling girl is a very respectable job, after all.

Axel and Roxas were able to rent a building across the street from the Moon and Star, which after several weeks of cleaning, decorating, stocking up booze, and hiring interesting local bands, was ready to open. The two named the place _Flaming Keys_, and it soon became quite a hotspot for Twilight Town's homosexual community. Axel and Roxas both made quite good barkeeps. Roxas had his ability to tell when a customer had had enough and kicked out any troublemakers, and Axel mixed up amazing martinis and entertained everyone with his cigarette lighter tricks. The couple was able to buy a new apartment with the money from the movie and the bar in Twilight Town's bustling Tram Common district. There everyone was used to the noise the trolley made going by every few minutes, and no one minded any more loud noises coming from an apartment on any given night.

* * *

One evening, Sora and Riku were lying side by side together outside in the weed-choked yard of the old, long-abandoned Twilight Town mansion. It was their new favorite place to go when it was warm outside and the sunset was especially beautiful. Especially when there was a pleasant breeze out and it seemed like everyone else in their apartment building was holding the type of party where the guests get drunk and remove their clothing within fifteen minutes of arriving.

"Hey Riku," said Sora, after the two had been lying stretched out on the grass and watching the sunset in silence for what seemed like an hour. "What do you think these statues once were?" He gestured to the broken and discolored pieces of marble that were strewn all over the yard of the abandoned mansion in various stages of disrepair.

"I dunno," Riku shrugged. "That one over there looks like it might've been a flying horse." He waved his hand towards a piece of yellowed marble with two protrusions that could at one point have been wings.

Sora squinted his cerulean eyes at the statue, cocking his head for a better look. "Yeah…maybe…but who puts a flying horse out on their lawn?"

"Maybe they liked horses…or maybe they just had really bad taste in lawn ornaments."

"Yeah, or maybe it was a gift from someone and they couldn't give it back without seeming rude, so they put it out on their lawn."

"Huh." Riku closed his aquamarine eyes against the orange glare of the setting sun, yawning so widely that his jaw cracked. "I guess we'll never know."

After a few more minutes of lying in comfortable silence, simply enjoying being close to each other, Sora said, "Those things could have been pillars." He pointed at a group of broken marble chunks that maybe sort of looked a little like pillars, but were now so eroded that they could have been anything.

Riku flipped over on his stomach so he could see for himself. "Those are not pillars," he snorted. "Why would pillars be out here? I mean, it's not like they're holding anything up."

"Um…" Sora scratched at his spiky brown hair in thought, looking so adorable that Riku wanted to jump him right then and there. "Maybe they were supporting some wooden thing that rotted away…or maybe they were for decoration. I mean, whoever owned this place did put a flying horse out here."

"It might not be a flying horse, Sora. It could be a cloud or something."

"It is not a cloud." Sora rolled his eyes. "Who makes a marble cloud?"

"Leon would." Riku smirked at his boyfriend.

"Oh, shut up."

There were a few more minutes of silence before Sora started on a new, completely unrelated topic.

"Hey Riku, do you think this place really is haunted? 'Cause I don't wanna get attacked by a ghost or anything."

"Don't worry, Sora, I doubt anyone's lived here since the Victorian Era." Riku pulled the brunet close, gently kissing him on the lips. "Besides, I'll protect you from any ghosts."

Sora gave a little purr of contentment and snuggled into Riku's shirt. "Thanks. OK, so what do you think we should get Axel and Roxas for their wedding?"

Riku laughed and ruffled Sora's hair. "Jeez, you're just jumping around from one thing to another tonight, huh? Why so many questions?"

"You love it, though."

"Yeah, I do. Anyway, we should get Roxas a new video camera, because I remember him saying one of Touru-san's cats cracked the lens on the last one. And we should get Axel…uh…some restraint."

"You can't buy restraint, doofus." Sora lightly punched his boyfriend in the arm.

"Just give me five minutes with him in a dark alley…"

"_Riku_…"

"OK, OK, fine. We'll buy him some cologne or something. He stinks like smoke and booze all the time from working in the bar; you can smell it a mile off. I don't know how Roxas puts up with it."

"OK, sounds good to me. And Roxas probably smells like booze from the bar too."

"I still can't believe Axel actually popped the question. I mean, he's not exactly the committing type, is he?" Riku rolled his eyes at the thought of the redhead actually settling down.

"Well, he and Roxas have something special."

"Do you think he's gonna be able to get Roxas in a dress?" Riku asked.

"Not a chance."

The couple lay there for a long time then in silence, Riku holding Sora close to him and stroking his spiky hair. Both boys were wondering how they had ever managed to find someone so wonderful in their lives, so perfect. It didn't get any better than this for them, simply lying out at night under the orange and yellow sunset in front of an abandoned and possibly haunted mansion with each other.

"Hey Riku," Sora finally said, bright eyes half-closed. "Do you think we'll be together forever?"

"Definitely," said Riku, leaning down to pull Sora into another kiss. "I'd make a million porn movies for you. And preferably with you as well."

"You'd just wanna see me naked though…"

"Guilty as charged."

As the sun dipped ever lower beyond the horizon and the bright oranges and yellows began to fade to deeper purples and blues, Riku murmured "C'mon, time to go home." He gently shook Sora's shoulder.

There was no response but a soft snore.

_Aw man. I can't believe he actually fell asleep. _Riku sighed and stretched out on the ground next to his boyfriend, gently clasping his hand. _Well, I guess there's no harm in taking a quick nap, right?_

And so Sora and Riku slept out on the mansion's lawn that night hand in hand, the wind ruffling their hair. And they couldn't have asked for dreams better than the life they were already living.

_~fin~ (yes, for real this time!)_

**Author's Note: I wrote this whole thing up in an hour, in one straight sitting. I personally love it. It's so much better than the first draft of this Epilogue I was writing, which was getting nearly painful to write. So that's how I knew it was _not_ good. But this one is, I hope.**

**Well, please leave me a review and tell me what you think. Come on, I know you want to…**

**REVIEW CORNER Thanks for Reviewing: **Mrs. Sawyer, Naive-Symphony, The-Written-Rhapsody, XIII Riku, spanksizzle27, xXxSmidgexXx, The mental patient, moon maiden of time

**Addendum chapter coming up soon (probably next weekend, or the weekend after that at the latest.) ;)**

**-YC-**


	9. Addendum: Riku's Drunken Mishaps

**Author's Note:**** Well, this is it, everyone. The last chapter of "Riku and Sora Make a Porno." It's kind of a weird feeling for me, since I've been working on this Fic since December, but I'm psyched that I've FINALLY finished a story and am now moving on to bigger and better things. Such as more KH FanFiction, maybe some one-shots or stories in other fandoms, and even (le gasp!) an original story on livejournal.**

**I really, really, REALLY wanted to write this ever since I wrote that Riku was fired from work because he showed up hung over from the night before. Hung over! Riku sounds like it would be awesome to write. So this is kind of like the prequel to the whole story, I guess.**

**This story is exactly the same on adultfanfiction as it is here.**

**DEDICATION:**** To everyone who reviewed this story, both here on FanFiction and on AdultFanFiction, this Addendum is for you. On FanFiction "Riku and Sora Make a Porno" got 52 reviews, which is a new record for me. And of course, extra thanks to those who kept reading and reviewed more than once. Go out and buy yourself a cookie or some ice cream, guys. It's from me. :) **

**DISCLAIMER****: Zexion says: "YukaiChick would like everyone to know that she does not own 'Kingdom Hearts,' and it is the property of Squeenix, Tetsuya Nomura, and Disney, Inc. She makes no money off writing this Fic. Also, YukaiChick currently has me tied up in a closet. SOMEBODY COME HELP!!"**

**WARNINGS:**** This contains extremely one-sided rikette, foul language, a teenage girl attacking a certain very attractive silver-haired bishounen, major OOC-ness on Riku's part (because he's hung over), and examples of what can happen if you go to work with a bad hangover. (So remember kids, don't get drunk! Or if you do, at least don't go to work the next day.)**

**KEY:**** Anything in **_italics_** is something Riku is thinking. Anything in bold is something multiple people are thinking at the same time.**

**And now, I proudly present to you…The final installment of "Riku and Sora Make a Porno!"**

**Addendum: Riku's Drunken Mishaps**

It was a beautiful, warm Thursday afternoon in Twilight Town, and the three teenage girls Riku coached basketball to on Thursdays were congregated in the gym of the local YMCA, waiting for their teacher to arrive.

Selphie Tilmitt was glaring at herself in a small pocket mirror, spring green eyes narrowed in concentration as she tried to get her dark chocolate hair to flip up at the ends. Selphie's hair was currently lying flat and lank against her head in the summertime heat. "I _hate_ my hair," the girl complained to Paine Gullwing, who leaned against the wall nearby looking extremely bored and irritated. "It just won't do that cool flippy thing that Setzer's hair does in the fashion magazines…"

"You do know that Setzer is a guy, right?" Paine broke in, rolling her reddish brown eyes at Selphie while contemplating how to shut the girl up without getting slammed for first-degree murder. She ran a hand through her own silvery-gray locks, which were teased into a gothic updo with the help of around ten cans of hairspray.

"Well, yeah, but he has such _nice _hair. It's really long and silvery, and it looks sooo soft! Having hair like that practically makes him a woman, in my opinion. I wonder what brand of shampoo he uses…"

"Hey Paine, what do you think of _my_ hair?" Paine's cousin, Yuna Gullwing, broke in, effectively ending Selphie's ramblings. She gave a graceful pirouette to show off her single waist-length hair extension, which was braided and tied with a pink ribbon and stood out among her otherwise shoulder length chocolate brown locks.

"Looks good, Yunie. How'd you get your dad to spring for it?" Paine asked with a half-grin. Although Yuna could be silly at times, for the most part she was a lot more sensible and intelligent than fashion addicts like Selphie. Paine and Yuna had been best friends ever since they were five years old, when Yuna had punched a boy in the mouth and knocked one of his teeth out for trying to steal Paine's ice cream money.

"Oh, you know Dad. I just gave him my puppy dog eyes and trembled my lip a little and said 'PLEASE DADDY PLEASE?!' And next thing you know we were at the salon." Yuna winked a sky blue eye at her cousin. It was a well-known fact that Yuna's father, Braska, was very fond of his only daughter, and gave her anything she wanted with very little fuss on Yuna's part.

"Hey, where's Agatsuma-sensei?" Selphie cut in, now staring at the screen of her cell phone. "He's almost twenty minutes late according to my phone…"

CRASH.

The three girls' heads whipped to the gym entrance, where two tubs that had formerly contained basketballs were now tipped over. Around twenty bright orange balls were currently bouncing around Riku Agatsuma, who was sitting on the floor looking like death warmed over. His skin was paler than usual, his silver hair was sticking up in cornrows all around his head, his clothes were wrinkled, and there were huge purple bags under his tired-looking aquamarine eyes.

"Sorry…sorry…" Riku mumbled, stumbling to his feet and trying to pick up three basketballs at once. The balls squirmed out of his arms and bounced away, and as Riku tried to chase after them he tripped over another one, ending up flat on his face on the floor again.

Yuna, Paine, and Selphie stared at their basketball coach, mouths agape.

"What the hell's his problem?" Paine muttered.

"Ugh, his hair looks terrible," said Selphie. "Is he even using conditioner at all?"

Paine glared at Selphie. "Were you perhaps dropped on your head as a child?"

"Here Agatsuma-sensei, let me help you," said Yuna, going over to her fallen coach and giving him her hand. Riku took it and got to his feet, this time staying there, although he was swaying unsteadily, as if on the deck of a ship in fast-moving waters. "Thanks Selphie," he mumbled, gazing blearily at her.

"Uh, I'm Yuna."

"Right. Help me get these balls, Yuffie?"

"Sure…"

With some help from Paine and Selphie, the basketballs were all soon back in their tubs. The three girls lined up down the center of the gym in anticipation of the passing exercises Riku usually set them before moving on to an actual game. But today, Riku only stood there uncertainly, still swaying slightly and gazing around with pale, tired eyes. Paine noticed a stain on the knee of his jeans that looked uncomfortably like throw-up, and resisted with difficulty the urge to be sick herself.

"Um, Agatsuma-sensei, are you…okay?" Selphie asked nervously, shyly poking Riku in the arm.

"Huh!?" Riku jumped about a foot, as if he'd forgotten where he was. "Oh…oh, yeah, I'm OK. My girlfriend broke up wit' me las' night…"

"Oh, that's too bad, Agatsuma-sensei. I'm sorry," Yuna exclaimed, going to the silver-haired coach and gently patting him on the arm.

"Yeah, wha'ever…I'm jus' real tired…" Riku mumbled, slumping his head on Yuna's shoulder and drooling slightly over her blue tank top. Looking a little disturbed, Yuna stepped to the side, away from Riku's mouth, and the basketball coach went on with his story. "She said I'm not 'sensitive enough' for her anymore…that I'm spendin' too much time wit' mah roommate and not enough wit' her. I CAN BE SENSITIVE!" Riku yelled the last part loud enough for the whole gym to hear. It echoed slightly across the walls, and Paine winced slightly as a group of ten year old girls who had been playing badminton dropped their racquets and ran out screaming.

"I'm very sensitive…" Riku whimpered, seeming as if he was about to start crying. He dropped to the floor and curled up into the fetal position, rocking back and forth slightly.

"OK, he's not going to be teaching us anything today," said Paine, going over to Riku and poking him in the side with the toe of her black combat boot. He grunted slightly, but didn't get up or move at all. Paine sighed loudly. "We're gonna have to get him home. His roommate can deal with it from there." She bent down and slung one of Riku's arms over her back. "Help me, Yuna."

Yuna got Riku's other arm over her back, but the two girls, though they heaved and pulled and struggled, couldn't get their basketball coach into a standing position. His head flopped forward and he mumbled something that sounded like "damn Axel…shouldn't've gone fer drinks las' night…"

"Who's Axel?" Yuna wondered.

"Who cares? Selphie, get over here and help," Paine grunted, still struggling with Riku.

"Um, I think maybe we should go get someone…" Selphie was over by the back wall of the gym and looked very nervous about going near Riku. "I mean, he could get violent…"

"Selphie, if you don't get over here _right now _I swear I'll-."

"Hey Yunie! Paine! Sorry I'm late, did I miss anything?"

"Shit!" Paine swore. "I totally forgot…"

Another teenage girl waved at Yuna and Paine from the entrance to the gym and headed over to them. Dressed all in orange and yellow, with a long yellow scarf wrapped around her neck, her bright blue eyes sparkled happily upon seeing the two girls. She flipped her long golden-blonde hair, which was tied up in a high ponytail, over her shoulder, and Selphie whistled approvingly. That girl had awesome hair.

"Who's that?" Selphie asked.

"Mine and Paine's cousin," said Yuna with a sigh. "Rikku. We're always telling her about how well our basketball practice is coming, so she got interested and said she'd stop by today and play with us."

"We're so screwed," Paine moaned. "I mean, Rikku's sweet, really, but she's a bit…highstrung."

"Hey, you guys, I totally thought I wouldn't make it today!" Rikku cried, stopping in front of Yuna, Paine, and Selphie and flashing a huge grin. "Dad left my sneakers outside last night and the dog chewed them up. I had to spend _forever_ looking for another pair, and-whoa, who's this?" Rikku stared at Riku's slumped form, her eyes wide with surprise. "A hobo?"

"Um, no," said Yuna, grunting slightly as she repositioned Riku's arm over her shoulder. "He's-."

Suddenly, Riku's head shot up. He glared at Rikku, his aquamarine eyes so cold and filled with anger that the girl "eep"-ed and backed up a few paces. Riku stood up straight, jerking his arms away from Yuna and Paine, and in a few short strides was face to face with the blonde teenager. He stared silently down at her, his mouth a razor thin line. Rikku was trembling where she stood, too afraid to run away, her eyes fixed on the silver-haired boy's pale face.

"Oh my gawd," Selphie breathed, fanning herself in panic. "He's totally gonna cut her throat or something…"

Yuna and Paine could only stare, Yuna's blue eyes wide with horror, Paine's burgundy ones filled with suspicion and anger. Both girls stayed rooted to the floor, though Paine shifted subtly into an offensive position in case Riku tried to pull something.

Whatever Yuna, Rikku, Paine, and Selphie had been expecting from Riku, what came next certainly wasn't it.

"Olette," Riku whispered softly, gazing at Rikku as though her mere presence fulfilled all his wildest, most unattainable dreams. "Why did ya leave me? I promise ya, I can change. Jus' _please take me back_!"

"Who's Olette?" Rikku asked, brow furrowing in confusion. "I'm Rikku Gullwing. Are you on drugs?"

Riku looked confused for a moment, then shook his head and replied, "Ya can't be Rikku, cuz that's mah name! Olette, please! I miss you! Sora'll tell ya, I haven't shut up about ya since yesterday! Please, if you'll jus' come back ta me, I promise ya, I won' call yer romantic comedies 'crap' anymore…"

"Whatever," Rikku rolled her eyes. "Look, you're obviously whacked. I'm just gonna go…"

"NO!" Riku shouted. As Rikku turned to leave, he lunged forward and grabbed the end of her scarf. The suddenness of his movement caught Rikku off-guard, and she tumbled to the floor, Riku falling on top of her.

"Please Olette!" Riku wailed, clinging to the scarf as though it was a lifeboat in a shipwreck. "I can spend less time wit' mah roomie! Not a lot less time, cuz Sora 'n' me've been friends since forever, an' he looks real cute in his baggy pants, but we can maybe spend an hour on Fridays together before Axel 'n' Roxas come over fer Crappy Horror Movie Night!"

"Get the fuck off me!" Rikku shrieked, as Yuna and Paine ran to her side and started to drag her out from under Riku. "I'm calling the cops!"

"Olette, don' be like that!" Riku cried, still clutching tightly to the scarf. "Axel'll never lemme live it down if ya dump me like this! Please, can we jus' go back to the apartment an' talk about it?"

"You're a sick bastard, harassing my cousin like this!" Paine yelled. "Get off of her right now, or I'll-!"

"No one will keep me an' Olette apart!" Riku shouted at the gym ceiling.

"THAT'S IT!" Paine shouted, and she launched a roundhouse kick right at the small of Riku's back.

And Paine was wearing combat boots.

Riku's eyes opened wide in shock, and his mouth dropped open in a silent "o" of pain. The silver-haired boy crumpled soundlessly down to the floor next to Rikku, who leapt up and ran out of the gym screaming "Pervert!" Yuna and Paine ran out behind her, shooting Riku dirty looks as they went.

"AGATSUMA!"

Riku looked up…and nearly wet his pants with horror.

Standing in front of him, glaring down with piercing blue eyes, was his boss, Lexaeus Toshiba. The man's face was nearly as red as his short, curly hair, and his big, beefy arms were crossed tightly over his chest, which was easily twice as broad as Riku's entire body. Even the gray sweats the man was wearing looked angry. In short, he was _pissed_.

Selphie let out a noise that sounded like "meep!" and ran out as fast as her legs could take her.

"Why, Agatsuma," Lexaeus ground out through clenched teeth, "did three girls just run out past my office from _your_ class, all looking visibly upset? And why was one of them screaming 'pervert' loud enough for this entire establishment to hear?"

"Uh, um," Riku stammered. The sight of Lexaeus seemed to have scared some sense into him. "You know teenagers today, Toshiba-san…"

"I think, Agatsuma," Lexaeus continued, "that you were drinking last night. You absolutely reek of alcohol."

"D-Do I…?"

"Yes. You do. And I also think that you're fired."

"Oh…oh, no, Toshiba-san, please don't." Riku's face paled in horror, and he stumbled to his feet, wincing at the searing pain in his back. "I really need this job-."

"You have twenty minutes to clean out your locker before I want you off the premises, Agatsuma." With that, Lexaeus turned and stormed out, leaving Riku with only splitting pains in his head and lower back, as well as a sick feeling in his gut at what Sora would say when he came home.

* * *

Riku somehow made it home that night and passed out on the bed, his things from the YMCA falling from his arms to the floor. He woke the next morning to yet another pair of angry blue eyes, only this time they belonged to Sora. He sat up in bed, wincing at his backache. "I can explain-."

"You wanna tell me why I just had to fend off the practically hysterical mothers of a couple girls from your basketball class?" Sora burst out. "They were practically accusing you of child molestation! Riku, what the hell _happened_ yesterday? And actually, speaking of work, don't you have a class to teach on Fridays? In like… Sora checked the digital alarm clock on the bedside table. "…now?"

Riku groaned, flopping his head back on the pillows. It was going to be a _long_ day.

And his back was killing him.

**END**

**Authors Note****: Ha ha, Paine totally pwned Riku. :D**

**I don't usually post on Mondays, but I couldn't quite get this out in time for the weekend because I had my high school graduation on Thursday. So I figured "better late than never" and decided to post it now instead of waiting until next weekend.**

**Well, "Riku and Sora Make a Porno" is now complete. Thank you very much for reading, everyone. And if you would like to leave a comment on your way out, it would be very much appreciated. **

**REVIEW CORNER**** Thanks for Reviewing: **XIII Riku, Anonymous Songbird, xXxSmidgexXx, Naïve-symphony, Jayrin Paige, Emerald Moonrose, moon maiden of time

**Catch ya on the flip side!**

**-YC-**


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